I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow.
I said "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst…
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexists……… I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse it!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern. John
2008 Stornoway Grey 3.6 Tdv8 Vogue
2005 TD6 Java Black Vogue - Written off!!
GAP iiD BT
2003 Discovery TD5 Auto, Nanocom Evolution - gone to a new home!
MasseyFerguson 152 - No electronics!! - Sold

Q. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A. So they can hide upside down in custard.

Q. How do you get 5 elephants into a mini?
A. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the ashtray.

Q. Why do monkeys paint their nads red?
A. So they can hide in cherry trees.

Q. What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A. Chimps picking cherries.

Teenage Girl .... I want a dragon for christmas

Santa .... Be realistic

Teenage Girl .... Okay i want a boyfriend

Santa .... What colour do you want the dragon to be ...🤔 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

What do you call a woman with a pint of beer on her head playing pool?






Beer tricks potter Dave

2012 Vogue Westminster 4.4

1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."

2. "I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a ."

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag "I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays", was fifth.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.

9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, "He's trying to pull a fast one".

14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says "How do you drive this thing?"

16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: "I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband".

18. "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.

23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item?"

30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.

31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said, "Those are pickled onions".

36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.

37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, YES! That's what I bought the for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!"

38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster

39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?' "I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!"

40. I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.

49. A seal walks into a club...

50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

I'm going to bed!

PaulTyrer wrote:

3. "Dyslexic man walks into a bra"

Patient. Dr I can't sound my f and th.
dr. Well you can't say farer than that.

They say that 90% of Land Rovers are still on the road. The other 10% actually reached their destination.

You know you're a Land Rover owner when your marriage is easier to keep going than your car.

You know you're a Defender owner when you park in different spots to ensure an even application of oil to your driveway.

Why does Santa drive a sleigh and not a Land Rover? Because LR Assist don't work Christmas day.

You know you're a Land Rover owner when you're married to the Parts Manager's daughter.

And you definitely know you own a Land Rover product when you realise that a gambling addiction would be more cost effective.

I’m Devastated.

A very sad day today. After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of
mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can
now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.












A genuinely nice guy and a bloody good vet. Geoff

How do you comfort a grammar nazi?

There, they're, their.

What did the Leper tell the prostitute ....???


Keep the Tip! ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

bipolar.com is currently down.

Now it's back up .....  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy