An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette...

Are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks 'I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde and she struck the pervert.'

The blonde thinks 'I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the dowdy brunette for me and she slapped the beast.'

The Frenchman thinks 'I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark and she slapped me by mistake.'

The Englishman thinks 'I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French again.' ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

What do you call a cow with no legs?







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So bad....

A woman wakes up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches
as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies.
The husband pauses - the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"




"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

I can't wait for someone to have a shot at Trump just to hear the security guys yell "Donald, duck!".

One of my mates had a neck brace fitted a few weeks ago, since then he's never looked back.

A mate of mine was given a fine timepiece by 2 lesbian friends. They'd asked him what he wanted and he'd said " I wanna watch".

x3 KV, you're on a roll.

Copy and paste is my forte.

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman.'
'What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added: 'What are you celebrating?'
'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'
'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.'
'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'
'I used a different cock,' he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said 'what a coincidence!'

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile!

Parallel lines have so much in common,
it's a shame they're never gonna meet.

I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

What's grey and comes in pints?
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.
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An elephant!



Why do elephants have big ears?
'Cos Noddy won't pay the ransome!


How do you get four elephants in a mini?
Two in the front and two in the back.


How can you tell when you've passed an elephant?
You can't shut the toilet seat.


Why do elephants paint their testicles red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.


How do elephants get down from cherry trees?
They stand on a leaf and wait till autumn.



How did Tarzan die?
Cherry picking!


An elephant robbed a jewellers shop, the police came and the detective asked the owner of the shop for a description of the robber. The owner replied, 'It was big and grey'.
The detective, being a knowledgable man, asked 'Was it an African elephant with big ears, or an Indian elephant with little ears?'
The shop owner replied, 'How the hell would I know...it had a stocking over its head!!'


Enough for now...groan!

Why do elephants have 4 feet?
They'd look pretty stupid with six inches.