What do you call an elephant with a 6 inch willy...?



Just-in!!

You forgot.........

What's the loudest noise in the jungle??

Giraffes eating cherries  Yesterday I couldn't spell Engineer... Today I are one!
Inventor of the 'Guide-o-Matic automatic wheel alignment tool'
Former long term L322 owner, Up/Down graded to a Classic Tractor!

What has Pornhub and an Adele album have in common?

An empty box of kleenex and the inconsolable tears of loneliness . 2008 MY Supercharged
Rimini Red / Jet
four zone climate
remote park heater
and no ugly kid windows.
magnus satis quod turpis satis

Adele.... evil woman..... she set fire to Lorraine and then wrote a song to bragg about it..  Yesterday I couldn't spell Engineer... Today I are one!
Inventor of the 'Guide-o-Matic automatic wheel alignment tool'
Former long term L322 owner, Up/Down graded to a Classic Tractor!

What do you call a muslim Glaswegian alcoholic?

Pishtoot Maheed

IRISH SAUSAGES
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money
between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.


Murphy said “Hang on, I have an idea.”

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.


Shamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!”

Murphy replied, “Don't worry - just follow me.”


He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said “Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money!!”

Murphy replied, with a smile. “Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!”

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, “OK, I'll stick the sausage
through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said “Murphy - I don't think I can do any more
of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!”

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which
pub I lost the sausage in.”

Two ladies talking in Heaven:
1st woman: Hi, Wanda!
2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible !
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and died a peaceful death. And you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him by himself in the living room watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking, I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds, I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive today !!!

I Met A Lovely Lady Tonight....
So i thought that i'd send her over a bottle of Merlot.
So i asked waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman
sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there'....
and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds,
not looking at the me, then decided to send a reply to me by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response,
took the note from her and conveyed it to the me.

The note read:'For me to accept this bottle,
you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million pound in the bank
and '8' inches in your pants......
After reading the note, i decided to compose one of my own in return.
I folded the note, handed it to the waiter
and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be:
"I have a Ferrari Maranello,

a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages;
I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami.


There is over twenty million pound in my bank account and portfolio.


But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off two inches.
Just send the wine back"!!!

The Chairman of Parcelforce has died...his funeral will be held on Tuesday between 8am and 1pm.

Why did the partially sighted man fall into the well?

He couldn't see that well.

My mate races snails and he wanted to make one faster so he removed it's shell, unfortunately he just made it slugish.

Good to still see life in this thread.