The vatican says that the Pope has resigned because he can no longer has the strength to carry out his duties,---

Fair enough,


At his age it can't be easy holding down an alter boy.  gone fishin'

Miss Beatrice, the organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said,
‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’

So Michael le vell has been charged wiyh child sex offences.......
Not surprised saw him on tv under a 13 year old Escort.

Surely Oscar Pistorius can't be the first man to wake up legless on Valentines day and shoot all over his wifes face while imagining she was someone else.  gone fishin'

Calories burned during sex
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent.................................12 Calories
Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands.................................. 8 Calories
With one hand....................................12 Calories
With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection..................................6 Calories
Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary...................................12 Calories
69 lying down...............................78 Calories
69 standing up..............................812 Calories
Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories
Doggy Style..................................326 Calories
Italian chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real........................................112 Calories
Fake..........................................1,31 5 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years......................................36 Calories
30-39 years......................................80 Calories
40-49 years.....................................124 Calories
50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories
60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories
70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly..........................................32 Calories
In a hurry.......................................98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this f*cking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your F*CKING BADGE!!"

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom. He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.
Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.
"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"
"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."
Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"
The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that moron for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Punography!


I tried to catch some fog. I mist.


Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.



A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.



I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.



How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.



I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.



This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.



I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.



I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.



They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.



PMS jokes aren't funny, period.



Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.



Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.



Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.



I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.



Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?



When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.



What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.



I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!



Broken pencils are pointless.



What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.



England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.



I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.



I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.



All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.



I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.



Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.



Velcro - what a rip off!



Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.



Venison for dinner? Oh deer!



Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.



I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.



Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too. Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
They were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1: 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,............'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! .............. That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
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'Good,' she replied, 'Get your own f***in' blanket.'

After a moment of silence, ..................... He farted. The End

I brought my wife a nice chair for christmas. Can't wait for her to plug it in.

My friend didn't believe me when I told her that I'd bought a car made out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

My missus turned off the TV whilst I was watching it today. After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, "That's not on".

I bought a dog off a blacksmith earlier tonight. As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

My wife sidled up to me and leaned forward giving me a good look at her cleavage.

"Have you ever seen a twenty-dollar bill crumpled up in a very interesting way?" she asked.
"No", I answered.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached deep into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled $20 bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty-dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked, and I shook my head.
She gave me another sexy little smile, reached under her dress into her panties and pulled out a crumpled $50 bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen fifty thousand dollars all crumpled up?"
Intrigued, I slowly shook my head.
"Well," she said, "go take a look in the garage..." 2006 HSE

 
Two French paratroopers were seconded to the SAS for special training.
 After the first day they met up in the bar. "Ah, Pierre," asks one, 
"'ow 'av you been doing?" 

 "Merde!" answers Pierre. "I 'av 'ad ze most terrible day. Terrible! At  seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me 
out of bed and on to ze parade ground."  
"And zen what 'appened?"
 
 "I will tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis seely leetle 
platform five ft off ze ground and zen 'e said "Jurmp!"
 "And did you jurmp?"   "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp 
five feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'." 
"And zen what 'appened?"  "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis seely leetle platform ten feet off ze
ground, and 'e said "Jurmp."
  "And did you jurmp?"
 "I did not. I told 'im - 'I am a French paratrooper. I do not jurmp ten 
feet. Eet is beneath my dignity'."
  "What 'appened zen?"
  "Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform un 'undred feet above ze 
parade ground. 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous weely, and 
'e said 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to steek zis right urp your  burm!'" 
"Sacre Bleu, mon ami.  And did you jurmp?" 
"A leetle, at ze beginning."
 
  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Once upon a time a man asked the only woman he wanted if "she'd marry him"?
The woman said NO & the man played golf bought & drove what he liked, could always find things in his house, had control of the telly remote, watched what he wanted on telly with no soaps, read porn & generally lived happily ever after
 The reason women's minds are cleaner than a mans mind is that women change their minds more often!
When women say fine a mans in deep doodoo as fine has so many meanings.