Viagra have just released a new pill called Viagra 007. It doesn't make you harder, it just makes you Roger Moore.

Just met Darth Vader's corrupt brother.

Taxi Vader.

I was in Tesco the other day when a man started attacking me with some milk and cheese. I thought how dairy.

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.



A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.








Please pass on this important safety information.

An Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pakistani on top of the Eiffel Tower.
The American throws a load of money off the top.
"Why did you do that"? Ask the others.
"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it", says the American.
"Ok" says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of champagne off the top, saying
"we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it."
The Pakistani looks at the Englishman and says " Don't you dare!"

Three missionaries are out walking one morning in the Amazon when they are captured by a tribe of warriors. They were taken back and tied up to posts in the middle of the village. As dusk approaches they notice the women and children are gathering their things and leaving the village. As darkness falls a large bonfire is lit and the warriors form a circle around the missionaries and start beating their drums slowly. The chief comes out of his house and walks up to the first missionary.

“You have been caught on sacred ground and now you must choose death or yamyou.”

The first missionary is scared speechless but he finally eeks out a response; “yamyou”.

The chief turns to his warriors and says “the trespasser has chosen YAMYOU!”

The tribe goes wild and starts chanting “YAMYOU YAMYOU YAMYOU”. They untie the missionary bend him over a post and every warrior in the tribe takes a turn raping the guy. After the last warrior the missionary slowly crawls into the jungle nude and in great pain.

After a short break the drums start beating slowly again and the chief offers the second missionary the same choice. The missionary’s mind is racing with terror but he utters “yamyou”. Well you know what happens next.

“YAMYOU YAMYOU YAMYOU YAMYOU”

The whole time the third missionary is envisioning living out the rest of his life being violated by savages. He can’t live with himself so when the chief asks the question he screams “DEATH”. The chief turns to his tribe and says “but first a little Yamyou”.

“YAMYOU YAMYOU YAMYOU”

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced. "Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil. "Now, she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.



He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.


"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

KurtVerbose wrote:

I was in Tesco the other day when a man started attacking me with some milk and cheese. I thought how dairy.

Also, being attacked with cheese... not very mature  .
Experience is the only genuine knowledge, but as time passes, I have forgotten more than I can remember
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Grate jokes those …  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Joe90 wrote:

Also, being attacked with cheese... not very mature

No, not like this guy.

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be English, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from England ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied,



"I am so sorry. Are you three whales from England ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out.

Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

 Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on holiday.

They were determined to make this a real vacation
by not wearing anything that would identify them
as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed
for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts,
shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb.
They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink,
the sunshine and the scenery when a
'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini
came walking straight towards them.
They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said
'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,'
nodding and addressing each of them individually,
then she passed on by. They were both stunned.
How in the world did she know they were priests?
So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,'
and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't
stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young
lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know,
how in the world do you know we are priests,
dressed as we are?' She replied,



'Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen... Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
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 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

Topless isn't allowed in Hawaii. Really spoiled the joke for me.