2 eggs in a pot of boiling water

1 said do you want to see my crack

the other 1 says leave off im not even hard yet

What have a woman's ass hole and a nine volt battery got in common?

You know you shouldn't, but at some point, you're gonna put your tongue on it... Past (too many to list, but a few favs)...
2007 Porsche 997 C2S Coupe
2007 FFRR 4.2 S/C
2012 Jag XKR 5.0 S/C
2014 Merc SL500 AMG 4.7 V8 BiTurbo (remapped to 560BHP)
2011 FFRR 4.4 TDV8 Vogue SE - Overfinch Conversion
2012 Porsche Cayenne Turbo
2018 AMG C63S Estate
2015 Mercedes GLE63S
2017 Maserati Levante Diesel
2017 Audi A6 Avant 3.0 Black Edition

I think I may have a serious medical issue.

One of my b.o.l.l.o.c.k.s is much bigger than the other two... Past (too many to list, but a few favs)...
2007 Porsche 997 C2S Coupe
2007 FFRR 4.2 S/C
2012 Jag XKR 5.0 S/C
2014 Merc SL500 AMG 4.7 V8 BiTurbo (remapped to 560BHP)
2011 FFRR 4.4 TDV8 Vogue SE - Overfinch Conversion
2012 Porsche Cayenne Turbo
2018 AMG C63S Estate
2015 Mercedes GLE63S
2017 Maserati Levante Diesel
2017 Audi A6 Avant 3.0 Black Edition

Italian Virginity Test

Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his Bride-to-be is still a Virgin. His doctor says ...
"Mario, all the Italian men I know use three
things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit ~~~ a small can of red paint, a small
can of blue paint, and a shovel."
Mario asks ... "And what do I do with these things, doc?"
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one
of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls
I've ever seen!', you hit her with the shovel.

Backstage at the jubilee concert,
Jessie J said to Rolf Harris, "Are you the bloke from the seventies who did two little boys?"
Rolf said "No, that was Gary Glitter." gone fishin'

Confucius say,"Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner if she stops sucking, replace the bag."

After sex last night i said to my wife "Were you faking"
"No" she said "I really was asleep"  gone fishin'

My wife said "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said "Yes, it's because you're a nosey cnut!" Regards
Mark

2009 D4; 1993 Classic 3.9 VSE

Can't help laughing............

 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife." 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Today's Britain ;

Click image to enlarge

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

How to Please Your I.T. Department

01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.

03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.

04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.

05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.

07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.

09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.

11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".

15. Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN IT IS TIME TO "HANG UP THE CAR KEYS?"


 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport