You cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic, and then give in.

One good turn gets most of the blankets.

No matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.

It takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion - not proof - to destroy it.

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

It is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

We are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.

There is a fine line between genius and insanity.

Once over the hill, you pick up speed.

I love cooking with wine. Sometimes, I even put it in the food.

If it weren't for stress, I'd have no energy at all

I know God won't give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.

Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

Some days are a total waste of makeup.

If the shoe fits, buy it in every color.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you definitely need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. You should live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. .

Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.

Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.

Never wrestle with a pig: you both get all dirty, but the pig likes it.

No books will be as good as the ones you loved as a child.

When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, your body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "Woo hoo! What a ride!"

The trouble with life is you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, and it's true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything that comes along their way 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Some Jimmy Car quotes ;

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever,
funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective.
How cool is that at her age?!

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me.
I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and
thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to
spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says,
"Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground
with a d#ck like that."

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I
pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the
kids.
Took her out with one punch.

My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he
was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her
eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are
bound
to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix
out!"

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke
hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a sh!t."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run
around in.

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick
pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?" 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Getting old is easy.....
Having fun at it is the real trick.

I celebrated my birthday this year by buying an all terrain 4 wheeler.

This is a picture of me playing with
it in the back yard.



 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

The wife was trying to be sexy for me last night. When i came up the stairs, I found her lying on the bed licking a lollipop. She then slipped up her f.a.n.n.y and gave it another lick. I said "careful with that luv, you need that to see the children across the road tomorrow". gone fishin'

Women are always saying how men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true.Since all women are crazy you might as well go for the fit ones. 07MY SC VSE (on its way)

The list of previous cars is long & some are boring there has been two RRC's and a very pimped hilux

ARE YOU INSURED FOR SEX?
Make sure you get the correct insurance for the sex your having. Below you will find a list of companies,catering for most tastes.
1.Sex with wife; Legal & General.
2.Sex on the phone; Direct Line.
3.Sex with partner; Standard Life.
4.Sex with someone different; Go Compare.
5.Sex with a fat bird; More Than.
6.Sex in the car; Sheila's Wheels.
7.Sex with a posh bird; Privileged.
8.Sex with a tranny; CONFUSED.COM.  gone fishin'

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Ollie responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened there. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Ollie said, 'well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ollie’s answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Ollie said: 'Thank you' and proceeded. 'well as I vas saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came thundering through a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other ditch.

By heck, issa fact I was hurt, pretty darn bad, and didn't want to move. An even worse, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'

So your honour, what the xxxx would you say?'

An elderly couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks "What can I do for you?" The man says "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes the doctor says "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse". He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50 and says goodbye.
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?" The man says "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £99. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50 and BUPA pays £43 of it, leaving my net cost of £7

In light of the latest problems facing the European currency,

e.g. Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout
Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout,

a Belgian bank collapsing and now Italy teetering on the brink and possibly tipping Austria over the edge...

Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Bolton , U.K. , made up of a representative sample of local citizens consisting of

Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis, Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they thought Britain should change its currency.

99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

(from a few years ago.)

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road ?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information - The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

GEORGE W BUSH - We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL - Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

TONY BLAIR - I agree with George.

HANS BLIX - We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

DR SEUSS - Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR - I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA - In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

TRICIA - Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX It was an historic inevitability.

SIGMUND FREUD The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES eChicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON What is your definition of chicken?

THE BIBLE And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS Did I miss one?

HOMER SIMPSON Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n

RONALD REAGAN What chicken? 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Management

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,

"Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are
going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Murphy's Lesser-Known Dictums (Or is it dicta?)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who do not.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule; Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you will get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport