Done my chores for the day.
Just filled the dishwasher up.........

........or "made love" as she likes to call it!

Girlfriend sends a text to her boyfriend and;
If you are sleeping send me your dreams!
If you are laughing send me your smile!
if you are crying send me your tear drops!

Her boyfriend responds
"I'm having a s.h.i.t, what do i do?"

wife says to husband "you only want sex when your'e p.i.s.s.e.d."
he thinks about this for a moment "thats not true" he says "sometimes i fancy a kebab".



i was having a s.h.i.t in the train toilet today,when a bloke knocked on the door.

he said "can i see your ticket please?"

"not right now " i shouted "i'm having a s.h.i.t"


he said " i don't believe you can you pass it under the door?"

"no problem" i said, sliding it under. " the yellow bits are sweetcorn.2

Sex in the Shower

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Swindon and London have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Swindon's and London's inner city residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.


The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Did you realise that a woman's "i'll be ready in 5 minutes"
and a man's "i'll be home in 5 minutes"
are exactly the same? You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
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The Aussie Handyman

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped on the
bathroom floor.

Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits
and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.
"Bruce, Bruce!", she yelled. Bruce came running in. 'Bruce, I've bloody
suctioned myself to the floor' she said.

'Crikey!' Bruce said and tried to pull her up. 'You're stuck fast girl. I'll
go across the road and get Frank.

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. 'No way. We can't do it,
let's try Plan B.' Frank said. 'Plan B?' exclaimed Bruce. 'What's that'?

'I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
her and release the vacuum.' replied Frank. 'Spot on' Bruce said. 'While
you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits.'

'Play with her tits'? Frank said, 'Not exactly a good time for that mate?'

'No' Bruce replied, 'But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive'. letters not necessarily in the right order

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A woman went into a pet shop and noticed a frog in a glass tank and inquired about it. The shopkeeper replied that it was a trained sex frog—all a woman had to do was undress, lie back on a bed, place the frog between her thighs and the frog would satisfy her every sexual desire. She bought the frog, but a few days later returned to shop to get her money back. The pet shop owner looked totally perplexed and replied, "It's a perfectly trained frog, I can't understand what is wrong." He took the woman and the frog to a back room of the shop and asked her to please lie down and remove her panties. "What?" she shouts. Turning to the frog, he says, "Now watch carefully, because this is the last time I' m showing you this."

A Muslim dies and by some error in handling ends up in heaven. He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says: "sorry, but we don`t allow Muslims into Heaven.What? replies the Muslim, and why Not?Well, we just don`t !!The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up. Well, says St-Peter--have you ever done anything good in your life? Ummm--the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten pounds. Last week I donated ten pounds to the Cancer Society and a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten pounds too! Alrighty then says St-Peter--wait here and I'll have a quick word with God. Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim. Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me--- Here`s your 30 quid back, now off!!! ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, energy drinks and s h i t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

This message is sent to you by someone who drinks a little and worries about your safety.

Some Pic jokes...

Click image to enlarge

My wife gave me £50 quid and told me to go out and get me something to make me look sexy.
You should have seen her face when i came home p.i.s.s.e.d.

The Gay Cowboy

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay, and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her... "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly...
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then, she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks, 'What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel, 'but even in Heaven, a Royal Flush beats a Pair - no matter how big they are