As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door.
Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband.
Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law.'

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today,but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy obeys and says,"99".

The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".

Again, the old guy says, '99'."

The doctor said, "Very good". Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

The old guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three".....

Went to the doctors today, i said "do you treat alcoholics?"
He said "yes of course i do."
i said " get your coat i'm fecking skint."

After landing myself in jail i spent the first 4 hours getting b.u.m.m.e.d senseless.
My dad takes monopoly way to serious

Hans, a middle-aged German tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Hans. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Hans and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Hans leans forwards and whispers in her ear……



"Can I pay in Euros?" __________________
2015 FFRR SDV8
2011 FFRR TDV8 4.4 - Gone
2005 FFRR TDV6 - Gone

found here

Why did the chicken cross the road??
Coz it was stuffed inside Anthony Worrel Thomsons jacket

Remember

Even when you're having a really bad day

i spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife and she was delighted,
i spent another £2000 on a nose job for her and she was ecstatic,
i spent £1500 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon,
......................................
i spent £30 on a blow job for myself and she goes fu?king mental

WOMEN!!!! "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

Presidents Have to Make Tough Choices



One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed.
Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledge- hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."


The devil smiled and said....


"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

George Michael has sympathized with the captain of the stricken cruise liner saying "I'm often left abandoned lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising,

Last night i met this beautiful homeless girl sleeping on the street.
I asked her if i could take her home. "Of course you can" she smiled, the look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

andyboy wrote:

George Michael has sympathized with the captain of the stricken cruise liner saying "I'm often left abandoned lying on my side with a badly damaged bottom after a nights cruising,

Only a Farm Kid...


When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different.
A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.
"No, they went to town."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mum and Dad."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".
The boy thought for a moment...
"You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard." letters not necessarily in the right order