We’ll you may know I’ve been having problems with my SatNav so I thought get one from China. However it’s the useless U2 model - The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I am looking for - boom boom Geoff

One of my workmates has been to see the new Elvis movie featuring Tom Hanks and said it was really good so I suggested to my wife that we go and see it at the weekend. I'm at work today and she's stuck at home so she thought it would be a good idea to phone the cinema to book some tickets. She's just called me at work and explained that when she dialled the cinema number, it went straight through to one of those automated replies which gave her two options; if she pressed 1 it would take her through to a competition line where she could win up to £1000, but if she pressed 2, she'd be put through to the ticket hotline. She sounded a bit puzzled by the whole thing and wasn't sure what it all meant until I explained it to her - "Well it's one for the money, two for the show!"

I'm here all summer!  L322 TDV8 4.4 - current
L322 TD6 - sold
Disco 2 TD5 - sold
Suzuki Grand Vitara XL7 - sold
Mitsubishi Pajero 2.8 - part ex'd
Hyundai Santa Fe 2.0 td - sold
Mitsubishi Pajero 2.8 - sold

My wife texted she was leaving me. Imagine my relief when she texted again a few minutes later saying “sorry wrong number”. L405 P400e Autobiography (MY2020)... Silicon Silver / Espresso

An old guy is sitting in a dingy old bar when a seriously huge women walks into the bar by herself, she stands by the bar and raises an arm displaying the hairiest armpits ever seen and shouts out 'Is there a man in here that will buy a lady a drink?' the bar goes silent, until the old man at the end of the bar shouts out 'Hell yeah, I'll buy the lady a drink' So the barman makes up her drink and places it on the bar. A while later she slaps the bar raises her arm again and shouts which man will buy this lady another drink? Once again the old man shouts out, 'yeah give the ballerina another drink, put it on my tab'
The barman serves her drink then sidles up to the end of the bar and says to the old guy, look it's your money if you want to buy the lady drinks, it's your business, but why do you call her a ballerina ?
The guy replies 'well if a lady that huge can lift her leg that high, she must have been a ballerina'

Yeah, I know, got coat, now leaving

The Mrs was talking to me the other day, suddenly she stopped and said 'You haven't listened to a word I have said have you!' I thought, what a strange way to start a conversation.

Played a round of golf the other day and I was partnered to a 82 year old man who had the most amazing 'don't give a flying F*** attitude as he dispensed loads of advice about all aspects of life. When we had finished he said 'when we get back to the car park, please don't talk to me, my wife thought I went deaf five years ago'

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

Kid says, "One."

Boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"

Kid says "$201,237.64.

Boss says "201,237.64?? What the heck did you sell?"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat; we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Mercedes would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him an Escalade."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing."

Apparently the final breakfast for Dignitas patients includes a bowl of cheerios BMW i3 Electric Car
2012 Full Fat RR 4.4 TDV8 (now gone)
2006 VW Touareg 3.0 TDi V6