Martin ............

All you need to do now is spend all week merging iT LAD's jokes ........

Two old guys talking.

One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".

Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"

First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

I spent £5000 on a boob job for the wife.

She was delighted.




I spent another £2700 on a nose job for her.

She was ecstatic.
I spent £2200 on liposuction for her

and she was over the moon.
I spent £100 on a blow job for myself

and she goes' f%^king mental.

Women ............. ?

Body Found on Golf Course





Today Police found an unidentified man's nude body nearby.
They describe him as having a
Beer Belly,
Saggy Balls,
Wrinkly Ass
and a Small Dick.




Are You Okay???

Jock the Scotsman



A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jock, the only Scot in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and
flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jock in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of
stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jock and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jock strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Jock then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Jock, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right , I don't want it,' said Jock.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Jock.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?

Again, Jock said “No.”


Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Jock, then what do you want?




Jock said,

'I want the bastard who pushed me in.'

"The Lone Ranger and Tonto are walking through the desert.
They come across a body with an arrow sticking in it.
"The work of the Cherokee", says Tonto, looking at the arrow.

"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger

"Cherokee use feather of eagle"

"Ah" Says Lone Ranger

A little later, they encounter another body, again killed by an arrow.

"Sioux", says Tonto.

"Tell by the feathers?" asks the Lone Ranger

"No, type of arrow head. Sioux use flint"

"Oh", says The Lone Ranger.

Further along, yet another dead body greets them.

This time it's covered in dozens of little arrows.

"Well, which tribe did this"? asks the Lone Ranger

"Rangers fans", says Tonto decisively,

"How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger


Tonto replies,





"Wee Arra' People"

Bath Night


A couple take in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said.

The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday....

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her, so she said:
"Next Monday, don?t go to darts. I'll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.."

So the following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:

"Do you shave?"

"No," replied the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hair?"

"Oh, yes," said the woman, and she showed the girl that indeed, she was far from hairless.

When the girl went to bed the husband came in, and the wife asked:

"Did you see it?"

"Yes," he said, "but why the hell did you have to show her yours."

"Why not?" she said. "You've seen it before."

"I know," he said, "but the darts team hadn't!!"

A mans been caught masturbating in a newsagents. Apparently it's all over the papers.

@Wackyjim ............

Give me a Q!.. Give me a E!.. Give me a Y!.. Give me a Z!.. Give me a K!.. Give me an S!.. Give me a J!.. What have we got?!..



















DYSLEXIA! 2006 Mercedes CLS
1991 Retro-style Mini
But really finding it hard to fight the urge for a S/C...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.
"The rancher says, "Okay but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge?
This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land.
No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. “
The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"

A Young woman was pulled over for speeding.
An Ohio State Trooper walked to her car window, flipped open his ticket book.

She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. '

He replied, ‘Ohio State Troopers don't have balls.'

There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.