Many new cars these days have a “back-up sensor” that warns the driver before the rear bumper actually comes in contact with something.
Most people probably think that this valuable feature came out of the minds of engineers, but it was recently disclosed that the concept was first developed by a Chinese farmer.
His invention was simple and effective. It emits a high-pitched squeal when the vehicle backs into something:






 It's "bébéchoon", ackcherly, with accents. 'Steve' to my chums.
20 years ownership of Solihull products, ALL GONE NOW, sniff!
Current motor: Suzuki S-Cross 4WD auto, 1.4 petrol. Oh so reliable! 7 years now and no problems. Oh, all right then, a leaking shocker replaced under guarantee.
Previous:
TD6 HSE L322 Auto FF
2.5 TDi 4-door Classic
Disco II
And my 1st Rangie: in 1995, a 2-door VM 2.5 diesel Classic
Not to mention the Lada Niva before those. (I said not to mention it!)

😳😳😳

Steve that's a load of balls.  John
2008 Stornoway Grey 3.6 Tdv8 Vogue
2005 TD6 Java Black Vogue - Written off!!
GAP iiD BT
2003 Discovery TD5 Auto, Nanocom Evolution - gone to a new home!
MasseyFerguson 152 - No electronics!! - Sold

Hmmm,

It looks somewhat hamcomfortable to sit in and a bit of a pig to drive, in fact I would say it's almost 'unboarable'.

Hmmm,

It looks somewhat hamcomfortable to sit in and a bit of a pig to drive, in fact I would say it's almost 'unboarable'.

Diary of a married woman.

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.

We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ''You are the woman of my dreams.. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"

Bumble Bee flew up her Love Canal

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b.astar.d!!"

Definitely


A Nursery class teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the children have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. Young William raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy".

Little Susie says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Little Johnny raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Johnny replies, "Then I've definitely s.h1t my pants."

Doughnuts , Grapes and Sex


Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen doughnuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and doughnuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every doughnut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."

A Dog Named Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "Id like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, "You dont understand, Ive had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you dont understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My court date has been set for Friday...

LEXOPHILIA

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it. ・

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!・

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.・

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.・

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.・

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.・

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.・

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.・

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.・

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.・

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop anytime.・

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.・

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.・

When chemists die, they barium.・

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.・

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.・

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.・

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.・

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.・

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A theasaurus.・

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.・

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on. There is a difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're sh!t

2005 Registered 2006 MY 4.4 AJV8 Range Rover Vogue

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak ---I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."


Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"*
Remember: Don't make older people mad. They don't like being older in the first place, so it doesn't take much to them off (&
They DO get even!!!). There is a difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're sh!t

2005 Registered 2006 MY 4.4 AJV8 Range Rover Vogue

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 2006 (56 Reg) 4.4 V8 Vogue In Bonatti Grey (Gorgeous!!)