Jim is 90 years old.. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he
tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He cant help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" says Jim..
"I don't remember

Robert wrote:

Jim is 90 years old.. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he
tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He cant help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an
almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go?" says Jim..
"I don't remember

Robert, I've just e-mailed that to my mum considering my dad had dementia for a good few years, she will find that funny

Brilliant !!

 Tom

Current Drive
2011 4.4 TDV8 Autobiography - Santorini Black - Ivory Leather

Previous Drives
2004 Model Vogue Td6 (Touchscreen) - Java Black - Parchment Leather
1994 RR Classic 3.9 V8 Soft dash - Niagara Grey - Grey Leather
1972 Series III SWB Safari - Green (Hand Painted) - Black Plastic

Number One Idiot of 2014
 

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no
need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end
of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right
away.
 
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
_______________________________________________________

Number Two Idiot of 2014
 

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast
Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon
that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.
 
Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
_______________________________________________________
 
Number Three Idiot of 2014
 

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and
wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
before he reached the teller's window.
So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo
Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells
Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank
of America.
 
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it
anyway.
_______________________________________________________
 
 
Number Four Idiot of 2014
 

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
 
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
_______________________________________________________
 
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
 

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road.
The reason:
"Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

 
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us . GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Yes, it matters where you put the price tag!



















 GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

The latest club craze is to fill a woman's vagina with vodka and then suck it out using a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking

A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!

85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet

I'm really p*ssed off! Someone’s just crashed into my car in one of them new Skodas. There’s f.......g jam and sponge everywhere!

Bastards! Just been thrown out & barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on! What I didn't know was the 'S' had come off the logo!!

Just bought a racehorse called 'My Face', It may not be any good but I can't wait to hear all the women in the crowd screaming 'come on . .My face

2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best f*ck I've ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?

If mothers Celebrate mothers day, fathers celebrate fathers day, lovers celebrate valentines day, do wa ers celebrate palm sunday?

Paddy weighs 20st, so his doctor puts him on a diet. 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day and repeat this for 2 weeks, you should loose 5lbs.' When Paddy returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost 4st. 'That?s amazing the doc said'...Paddy nodded...'I'll tell you be Jesus, I taut I was gonna drop dead by day 3rd day.' 'What from hunger said the doc?'...'No from the f........g skipping!'

Just popped home, caught the plumber with his dick in the dog! Can't believe the police won't do anything! They said the b*stard was corgi registered

Are you available to come to a charity pancake competition on Shrove Tuesday? The organisers have the pans and the ingredients they just need a tosser . GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year.

This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.


When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Centre, you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop:

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Sorry it's a link, but too many to post with my dodgy eyes...iPhone autotextcorrect errors...pish funny



http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/the-most...f-all-time GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Still laughing, tears rolling over my cheek, really funy funny funny