AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH that is super funny

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son", the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody!" And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all the first time we saw them? Why did we have to swim around and around them first?"

His wise father replied,"Because they taste better without the sh t inside!" GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
 

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,

"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."”
 

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,


"New house, new madam."
 

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,

"New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said.....       "Hi Keith"
 
  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

  GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Not politically correct and a bit old, but .......
 

Son said to Dad “I'm  Gay.”

Dad looks at his other son and said “What about you?”

Other son said “Me too Dad.”

Dad said “F--- me, doesn't anyone in this f------ family like pussy?”

The Daughter said “I do…”

-------


10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident.

At the Pearly Gates St Peter  says “If any of you are Paedophiles you can
f**k off down to Hell.”

Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter calls out “And take this deaf
bastard with you.”

-----

In the Pub the other day I was telling that old joke about what you do if
you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath. Answer; throw in your
washing.

We were all having a  good laugh about this, when this big fella tapped me
on the shoulder and said “I don’t find that very funny.

My brother was an epileptic and he died in the bath during one of his fits.”

I said “Sorry mate.  Did he drown?”

“No,” he said, “he choked on a sock.”

-------

The wife said to me last night “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take
it up the bum...

Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first….

----

My mate reckons he always cries after sex.  Mind you....he is in Prison.

-----

The wife came out of the bathroom and said “I have just shaved my "lady garden" and
you know what that means don't you?”

I said “Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again.”

-------

Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. 

Picked him up in a night club.  He Looked like a woman.  Smelled like a
woman.  Danced like a woman.  Even kissed like a woman,

but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight
parking slot in one fluid movement…!

That's when I thought “F----- wait a minute…”

------

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him. 

I shouted “Where you off to Charlie?”

He said, “I'm off to change a light bulb.”

Well I just cracked up, couldn't  stop laughing. …then said,

“That's gonna be a bit awkward init?”

“Not really.” he said.  “I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.” GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

 
 
 
 
 Sainsbury's scam

Please BE WARNED!

Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever 'Eastern
European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into
Sainsbury's  supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an
experience.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over
to  your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both
start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of 
their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip,

they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to another
supermarket,  in my case, Tesco's

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they
start  undressing, until both are completely naked. Then, when you pull
over  to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts  crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you intimately,
and  thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your
wallet!
I had my wallet stolen Sept 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th and 29th. On October 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and
twice  yesterday.
So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for
this  scam.


The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the
afternoon.


P.S. Aldi have cheap wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl
wallets are £1.75 and look better.

You have been warned  GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

 
   
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. 


It doesn't have any feet or legs. 


The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'


The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'


'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 


'You actually understood and answered me. !'


'I got every word,' says the parrot. 


'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 


'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.


You can't see it, because of my feathers.'


'Wow,' says the guy. 


'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. 


I'm especially good at ornithology. 


You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'


The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 


'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. 


You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. 


The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. 


The guy is delighted.


One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 


'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'


'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 


'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'


'Yes. 


Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch.!'
 
  GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

How much do old car batteries cost?

Nothing, they are free of charge...



Admin note: this post has had its images recovered from a money grabbing photo hosting site and reinstated

Great jokes all of them

 Tom

Current Drive
2011 4.4 TDV8 Autobiography - Santorini Black - Ivory Leather

Previous Drives
2004 Model Vogue Td6 (Touchscreen) - Java Black - Parchment Leather
1994 RR Classic 3.9 V8 Soft dash - Niagara Grey - Grey Leather
1972 Series III SWB Safari - Green (Hand Painted) - Black Plastic

Just a few for the weekend:

 GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Love it!!