I do understand gangrene, but why would one put lipstick on the dipstick

Never had a BJ from a lady wearing lipstick ?

The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind...

^ That's the wrong side.

^ so funny I expected that one...

Hey, you opened the door, I had to walk through.

Oscar Pistorious's new bathroom door lock.

I think you may have just inadvertently solved the case.............. What does it say when locked then

Paddy and Mick go into the pub after a hard day's work. They're sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
"I'll bet he's an accountant." said the Paddy. "Looks more like a stockbroker to me" argued Mick. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually Paddy needed to use the toilet.
On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal. "Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?" Paddy said to the man.
Smiling the man replied "I'm a logical scientist" "A what?" asked Paddy.
"Let me explain" the man continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" A bit puzzled, but intrigued Paddy decided to play along, "Yes, I do as it happens." "Well then it's logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?" "A pond" Paddy replied.
"Well then it's logical to assume that you have a large garden". Paddy nodded his agreement. So the man continued "Which means it's logical to assume you have a large house". "I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself" Paddy said proudly.
"Given that you have such a large house, it's logical to assume that you are married..." Paddy nodded again, "Yes, I'm married and we have three children."
"Then it's logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life." "Five nights a week!" Paddy boasted. The man smiled a little, "Therefore it's logical to assume you don't masturbate often." "Never!" Paddy exclaimed.
"Well there you have it" the man explained, "That's logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I've discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!"
Paddy left, very impressed by the man's talents.
On returning to the bar Mick asked, "I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?"
"Yeah," replied the first, "He's a logical scientist" "A what?" puzzled Mick asked. "Let me explain" Paddy continued, "Do you have a goldfish at home?" "No" replied Mick. "Well, you're a wan er then!"

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"

A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems.

"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.

"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy b@st@rd and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel in my room disabled?"

"No," she replies "it's just regular porn you sick b@stard."

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right.

After 8 pints I talk @¥$€ and can't drive!

Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its b***cks!!