Get A New Keyboard For Crimbo, That One Is Fecked

 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

He's worn out all the consonants from typing Welsh.

What's brown & sticky.......?????




A stick!!!!

What's brown and sticky, and also smelly?

Sticky botty pudding.

A Merchant Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a lorry comes speeding along too close to the kerb and takes off the door before zooming off.

More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile and calls the police.

Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman has a chance to ask any questions, the man starts screaming hysterically: 'My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined. No matter how long it's at the panel beaters it'll simply never be the same again!'

After the man finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust.

'I can't believe how materialistic you bloody Bankers are,' he says. 'You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life.'

'How can you say such a thing at a time like this?' cries the Porsche owner.

The policeman replies, 'Didn't you realise that your arm was torn off when the truck hit you.'

The Banker looks down in horror.

'Bloody Hell' !!' he screams........'Where's my gold Rolex????...
  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

SoggyBottoms wrote:

Get A New Keyboard For Crimbo, That One Is Fecked

Coppied and paisted  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

^ ...and a new spell checker.

^

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of he men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies.

A friend just got a Prince Albert piercing. I asked if he was happy with it. He said he was cockahoop... Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Monday morning the postman named Ken is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Jim, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Jim, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the postman Ken comments.

Jim, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around mid-night that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet, asking "WHO AM I". Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The postman Ken laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Jim responded. ' Your name came up 7 times.

Ronnie Biggs dies aged 84. - This leaves National Rail as the only surviving Great Train Robber.


Bumped into an old mate of mine. "How's your new Thai girlfriend Dave?" I asked.
He said "How do you know her name?"


I did Christmas dinner this year and I got a bit stressed out juggling all the starters, turkey & veg.

"What would Nigella do?" I thought. So I lit up a blunt and rolled a twenty.