This  is such a heart warming story  
 TwoTerrorists  boarded a flight out of London..
One  took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the 
middle  seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the  aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off,  wiggled his toes
and  was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need  to  get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm  in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for
you.'

As  soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe  and  spat in it.  When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other  Arab said, 'That looks good.  I'd really like one too.'   Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he  was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other  shoe  and spat in it.  When the Marine returned they all sat back  and  enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine  slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had  happened.
He  leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have  to  be this way ?'

'How  long must this go on ?
This  fighting between our nations ?
This  hatred ?
This  animosity ?
This  spitting in shoes and p!ssing in Cokes  ?'       Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy area. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 quid?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the £50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Went to the local pub and found myself drinking with a woman of 61 years old. She was in pretty good shape given her age and kept coming on to me.
I was getting somewhat excited when she asked ' Have you ever had a Sportsman's Double?'
'What's one of those?' I asked, eagerly.
'Mother and daughter threesome.'
My imagination went wild and I quickly replied 'I'm game for some of that'.. She said 'Tonight's your lucky night.'
We went back to her place, she switched on the light and shouted upstairs, 'Mum, are you still awake?'

stealing that one.... Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Me too

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. 
The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc   in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the
narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to  the 'violator' for his signature.
The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and
demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says,
"That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number
of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile
of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" 

"Aggressive and Hostile, Sir." 

"Aggressive and Hostile?" 

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. 


~~~~ How often can one get a lawyer to convict his own client~~~~
 
  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

THE ITALIAN LOVER

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Lucio was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Lucio reached for her and the rattling resumed.

This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Lucio smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied. Lucio reaches for the woman yet again.

Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Lucio falls onto his back, gasping..

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear,



"No, I'm Norwegian

First drink!!
 
I took my son out for his first pint.
Got him a Fosters.He didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it, I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky
I could hardly push the bloody pram. Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

^ & ^^

An Englishman is having breakfast, in Paris one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The Englishman ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You English folk eat the whole bread??"
Englishman (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France , we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to England ." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.
The Englishman listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jam with the bread??"
Englishman: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).
"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to England .."

After a moment of silence, The Englishman then asks: "Do you have sex in France ?"
Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

Englishman: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

Englishman: "We don't. In England , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ."

^  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

A Seal cub goes into a bar and the bar man says "what will it be ?"
And the Seal says "anything but a Canadian Club on the rocks!" 2008 MY Supercharged
Rimini Red / Jet
four zone climate
remote park heater
and no ugly kid windows.
magnus satis quod turpis satis