A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,


"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Patient: Doctor doctor I keep comparing stuff to other things

Doctor: It's analogy.

You are invited to a charity night were running for people with orgasm problems. Let me know if you can't come. Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important...

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people:
Mary or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both
decent workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who
used the water cooler the next morning.

Mary came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
all night.
She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said,

"Mary, I've never done this before, but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she said. "I feel like this morning."
  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one
person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore …..
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my friggin’ bike.

Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn’t take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick B*st*rd!!

SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... sakes, if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"

Sex Research
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome!

EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

The meaning of life in 13 words……
“Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the f**k happened?!?”

Heard something on the radio that sounded like bad news for Japanese car owners.
I am sure they said the Nissan Main Dealer had died......












Too soon? Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

That is groaningly bad.

I like it.

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

This ass hole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

How to get to heaven from Glasgow …

I was testing the children in my Glasgow Sunday School class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted, "Yuv got tae be fu**ing' deed"

The Wife Came Home Early From Work And Found Her Husband In Bedroom Doing Love To A Very Attractive Young Woman. She Cried: “You Are A Disrespectful Pig! How Dare You Do This To Me — A Faithful Wife, The Mother Of Your Children! I’m Leaving You. I Want A Divorce Right Away!”

Husband Replied: “Hang On Just A Minute Love So At Least I Can Tell You What Happened.” She Sobbed: “Fine, Go Ahead, But They’ll Be The Last Words You’ll Say To Me!” And The Husband Began –
Well, I Was Getting Into The Car To Drive Home, And This Young Lady Here Asked Me For A Lift. She Looked So Down And Out And Defenseless That I Took Pity On Her And Let Her Into The Car. I Noticed That She Was Very Thin, Not Well Dressed And Very Dirty. She Told Me That She Hadn’t Eaten For Three Days. So, In My Compassion, I Brought Her Home And Warmed Up The Enchiladas I Made For You Last Night, The Ones You Wouldn’t Eat Because You’re Afraid You’ll Put On Weight.
Since She Needed A Good Clean-Up, I Suggested A Shower, And While She Was Doing That, I Noticed Her Clothes Were Dirty And Full Of Holes, So I Threw Them Away. Then, As She Needed Clothes, I Gave Her The Designer Jeans That You Have Had For A Few Years, But Don’t Wear Because You Say They Are Too Tight. I Also Gave Her The Underwear That Was Your Anniversary Present, Which You Don’t Wear Because I Don’t Have Good Taste. I Found The Sexy Blouse My Sister Gave You For Christmas That You Don’t Wear Just To Annoy Her, And I Also Donated Those Boots You Bought At The Expensive Boutique And Don’t Wear Because Someone At Work Has A Pair The Same. The Husband Took A Quick Breath And Continued: “She Was So Grateful For My Understanding And Help That As I Walked Her To The Door, She Turned To Me With Tears In Her Eyes And Said, “Please … Do You Have Anything Else That Your Wife Doesn’t Use?“ If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!