Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk".
Husband says "that's not true .. sometimes I want a kebab"

A man approaches a young woman in a shop.
He says "I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure, but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue," he says, "but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere!"

The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out to help with the nuclear disaster They said they were delicious!

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a "roger". It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c**k out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

A farmer gets a phone call from his son.
"I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive."
"Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."
About 20mins later he gets another call..."
"Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

Sky news report.
The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria.
They sent in three ships - two full of sand and one full of cement
It was a mortar attack.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fa**y on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence.
After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the field were you before you realised it was caught?"

Silently i slipped the condom over my erect d.i.c.k and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft,
never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed,jaw dropping disbelief....
Then breaking the silence i spoke "Yes,that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please...... gone fishin'

The Perfect Man



A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have played cricket for England. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a West End star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine and which foods to order. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: I've never actually met him, he died. But I'm married to his feckin' widow."

Rats



A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
anyway.

He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'

The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.

This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,
'I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants, a Leeds supporter, and anything French!'

Legal or Logical?

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favourite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Golfing Hit Man
Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the
response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my
wife in the bedroom. Ah-ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

Ricochet...?

Dear Sir'

"i am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the six floor. securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I processed at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now processing downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, inspite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of inehe barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid decent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composer and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your enquiry. " If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

1
Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"


2
A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.

"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"

"Yes," replied the little boy.

"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."

The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:

"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"

The policeman laughed, and said:

"Yes."

"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."




3
I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

I went in to a Savile Row tailors and asked the bloke if I could see the cheapest suit in the shop.

He came back with a mirror.

Coffee with the Pope


Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, "Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $300 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'"

The pope responds, "That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed."

The Nescafe guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer...
We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it." and he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.
"There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million."
"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.
"We're losing the Warburton bread account."

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your pen1s was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The bloke groans a bit, but the doctor goes on

"But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a £1000 an inch".

The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a £1000 an inch.

"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. For instance, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the fellow.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the bloke.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

The bloke looks up and says "We're getting a new kitchen".

A small zoo in Glasgow acquired a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Boaby McKay, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Boaby, like many Glasgow folk, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution.

Boaby was approached with a proposition.

Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500 ?

Bobby showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Boaby said, "Ah'm no gonnae kiss her on the lips."

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "Ye cannae never tell naebody aboot this."

The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Boaby said, "I want all the kids raised as Rangers fans."

Once again it was agreed.

"And last of all", Boaby stated, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the £500"