There's no point calling for a ban on fracking. You'd only drive it underground.

My wife said to me....
''Why can't our sex life be like it was 12 months ago?''
I said ''because you sacked the cleaner'' !!

My pet mouse Elvis is dead.

He was cought in a trap.

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.

He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to put it in your ass but no, you thought that might hurt!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted.

I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic.

I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough!

But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fecking mental. Women !

A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born:

"I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."

The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said:

"I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy...not a fecking photocopier.

A blonde and a brunette are walking downtown when the brunette sees her boyfriend in a flower shop.

"Just great," the brunette complained to the blonde, "my boyfriend is in the flower shop buying me some flowers."

The blonde responds, "Why is that a problem?"

The brunette replies, "Because now he'll expect me to spend all weekend with my legs spread and my feet up in the air."

"Why?" asked the blonde, "Don't you have a vase?"

Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?"

His father says, "We are making you a little brother."

The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

"I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister..."

Dear Dr Phil,

I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window.

As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?

My girlfriend says that a small penis won't affect our relationship.

Whether she's right or not, I'd prefer it if she didn't have one at all!

 Got - 2017 SDV8 Autobiography in Loire Blue
Had- 2008 TDV8 Vogue SE in Java black
Had - 2007 S/C in Stornoway Grey

Just saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap.

 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smiled approvingly.
She then asked him, "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"
"Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached ... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"
"No way!" he said, while obviously becoming even more aroused and excited.
"Well, go look in the garage," she said.