A wee Glasgow guy decided to go to New York to help them rebuild after Superstorm Sandy.

While the wee Glasgow guy's working President Obama pays an official visit.

When Obama's talking to the cops, firemen and rescue workers he hears the wee mans accent.

"Hey fella" says the President "Where are you from?"

"Am fae Govan" says the wee man.

"Govan? what states that in?" asks Obama

"Same fn state as this place!"

There 10 cows in a field, which ones nearest to Iraq??

Coo Eight!


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There are 100 cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf!

Stoaters  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist. "Govan," she replies.

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What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography? Oor Wullie.

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A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of antlers?" "Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter. "That's affa deer," says the guy.

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After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.

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What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean dhu.

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How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

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A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing. "No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ..."

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What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer? The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you, get off of my cloud." And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe."

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What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b d.

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What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident? The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.

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While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at the next stop," he says. "Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?" "I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

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Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative - "Aye right."

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A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital.
He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious signs of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o th e puddin race,
Aboon th em a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or th airm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle.."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, " this is the serious Burns unit."

some belters there ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Crackers..  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Superb!

Dennis Skinner and Seb Coe are invited to a testimonial match for Ally McCoist at Ibrox park.

They get to gets to the VIP entrance and the steward, a massive, hairy, gorilla like Glaswegian with 'special' people skills, says "Oh, hello Mr Skinner Sir, really glad to have you here. My auld Dad loves you, and your politics. It's the like of you that this country needs more of .. honest polititians! .. straight through sir, straight through. I'll radio my colleagues to make sure you get escorted to the VIP box and have a personal waitress service for the buffet and the free bar and sir, enjoy the football."

Dennis shakes his hand, thanks him for his support and gives an autograph for the stewards' Dad and says "Seb Coe is right behind me"

Seb Coe walks forward and the steward says "Sorry mate, right down to the far turnstyle. That one down at the far end? The furthest away? The one with the big queue? Well around the corner from that is another one, with a bigger queue. That's where you're going."

Coe, puffs up and full of idnignance says "Excuse me! But I am Lord Sebastian Coe!!"

The steward, without looking up, says "Well it won't take you fecking long then will it?"

.::NEWSFLASH::..
Lothian and Borders Fire and Rescue have ordered Edinburgh Zoo to stop letting the Monkeys cook their own tea after an outbreak of Chimp Pan Fires.

A Glaswegian is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

The drunk shouts, 'Aye, I am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk replies, 'No, Ah huvnae found him.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a
little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Brother, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, Ah huvnae found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found
Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes, catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Naw, ur ye sure this is where the cnut fell in?

A wee Glesga guy was on holiday in Thailand when a ladyboy approached him and said 'Hey mister suckee ten dollah." The Glesga guy replied "Nae chance youre way too young" to which the ladyboy said "How you know my name."

Two Hairy Coo's in a field , which one is on holiday ?
The one with with a wee calf .

*********************************************

A Weegie walks in to a bakers and asks " is that a cake or a meringue ?"
and is told " no your right it's a cake " 2008 MY Supercharged
Rimini Red / Jet
four zone climate
remote park heater
and no ugly kid windows.
magnus satis quod turpis satis

Last edited by axle on 24th Nov 2012 2:14pm. Edited 2 times in total

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!

Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What for?'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'

London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'

London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'

47p2, did you get a joke book fir yer birthday?