Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Letters to Viz.....

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin, London


I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
Martin Kristos

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
Alan Heath

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M Lovejoy

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
Mrs Pinches, Hereford

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
S Prodnipple, Scarborough

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
D Antarctica, Rhyll

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Stella Matlock

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
Warren

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
A Terrorist

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
Raymond 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Archaeologists have made a major breakthrough in Egypt. They have found a tomb of an ancient King who was embalmed in chocolate...................

His name is Pharaoh Rocher

I'll get my coat.

In the club last night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy"I said " Have you got a pen?"She smiled and said "Yes"I said "Well f.u.c.k off back to it, before the farmer notices your missing" gone fishin'

The missus left a note on the fridge saying, "It's no good, it's not working i'm staying at mum's for a while.
I opened it, the light came on and the beer was well chilled, what the f.u.c.k is she on about.. gone fishin'

My missus packed my my bags and as i walked out of the front door she screamed "I wish you a slow and painful death you b.a.s.t.a.r.d!" "Oh" I replied "So you want me to stay now!" gone fishin'

A woman has sued a hospital stating that after recent treatment her husband had lost interest in sex.
The doctors replied: 'All we did was correct his eye sight'

Order now for Christmas.........
The New Radio1 CD with cover versions you never thought you would hear.........
Susan Boyle sings Don't you wish your girlfirend was hot like me?
Stevie Wonder sings I can see clearly now!
John Terry sings Ebony & Ivory
Katie Price sings Like a Virgin
Stephen Hawkins sings I'm still standing

My washing machine is always breaking down every time the wife uses it, and it got me to thinking. So I divorced her, and low and behold, the washing machine hasn't broken down since. The advert that got me thinking was right...washing machines live longer with cow gone.

While visiting my daughter and son-in-law one night, I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.’


‘Here, you can borrow my iPad.'



I can tell you, that stinkin’ fly never knew what hit him.

Just been watching the Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury.
...But i should be OK by Monday. gone fishin'

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58. 68, and 78 ?


At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.





At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.






At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.






At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.




At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.




At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.






At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!








At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

Results are in for the Olympic sailing.....
Team GB take gold,
The Americans have taken silver,
And the somalis have taken an elderly couple from Weymouth.  gone fishin'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A man from merthyr tydfil who appeared in Embarrassing Bodies was delighted to find out that the red rash around his penis was only his sisters lipstick.  gone fishin'

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to the f***ing wall."