What's that writing on her arse? No longer FF owner but still interested. Present car Jaguar XE
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Previous car Td6 SE
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Previous LR- Disco 300TDi Auto

A Maths teacher turns to her pupil Paul and says
"if you have 30 sweats and Abdul asks for one how many sweets do you have left after ? "
Paul replys
"30 miss" "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

Mikeyjd wrote:

What's that writing on her arse?

for me its the " best before" of her silicone implants

Free ice cream cones when you buy a tub of ice cream. That why mums go to iceland.Free house , car and cash handouts when you buy a boat ticket. That's why bums come to Great Britain .

My mates wife went missing last weekend She said she was only going out for a pint of milk,and hasn't been seen since.
I just called him to ask him how he was coping. "Not too bad", he said "I've been using the powdered stuff"

Took a girl home after clubbing last night. After a few drinks we went upstairs - whilst we were taking off each others clothes, a voice came from the bed and said "I hope thats not that fat cow from last week?"

"Who the f*ck was that?!" the girl asked ...

... I said "Its that frigging memory foam mattress"

After a huge fight at a gypsy wedding the matter is dealt with by the local court ...

... at the hearing the judge asks "Can anyone explain what happened?"

Paddy says "I can - I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride - we were dancing quite close when the groom stormed over and kicked the bride between the legs!"

"I see" says the judge - "that must have hurt?"

"Bloody right it hurt your honour" says Paddy - "broke three of my fingers"

 "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

Just back from holiday and i came close to s.h.a.g.g.i.n.g a ladyboy, Looked like a lady,talked like a lady!
It was when she drove me to her place and reversed her car into a space first time i thought " Hang on a fecking minute?......."

I see the Egyptians seem to have misunderstood the term "Injury Time".

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says



"The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

Dear Sir'

"i am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-storey building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the six floor. securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow decent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I processed at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now processing downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, inspite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of inehe barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid decent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composer and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your enquiry. If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

1
Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Content with his answer, Little Johnny walks further down the hall towards his room when he hears the same noise coming from his sister's room. Again, he knocks on the door and asked his sister what was she doing. "Playing cards." "With who?" he asks. "My boyfriend!" she says.

A short while later, Little Johnny's father is walking down the hall and hears a noise coming from Little Johnny's room. He knocks on the door and asks "What are you doing?" "Playing cards!" replied Johnny. "Who's your partner?" asked his father...

Little Johnny answers promptly, "With a hand like this who needs a partner?"


2
A little boy was riding his bicycle to school when a policeman stopped him.

"That's a nice bicycle you've got there," said the policeman. "Did Santa give it to you?"

"Yes," replied the little boy.

"Next time, could you ask Santa to put a red reflector on the back, because I'm going to give you a ticket."

The little looked at the policeman's horse, and said:

"Nice horse, did Santa give it to you?"

The policeman laughed, and said:

"Yes."

"Then next time could you ask him to put the dick UNDER the horse instead of ON it."




3
I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they all fly away with the first gun shot"

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone" To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!! If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!