let them put that one on telly..  ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

The seven dwarfs always left early each morning to go to work in the mine.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.



As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunches and take them to the mine.



One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunches, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello. Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'






For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,


“VOTE FOR ALEC SALMOND”


Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive! Should've been old enough to know better...doh!
Current 2010 5.0 SC Autobiography
Previous 2006 TD6 Vogue SE
Previous 1998 P38 4.6 Vogue Autobiography 50 (No 10)

Doug Smith is on his deathbed, and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

"So", he says to them: "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Pall Mall."

"Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the Thames."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Doug slips away, she says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard working manto have

accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? The asshole delivers newspapers!"





The Loving Wife


Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.

He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess”.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “ I must die in peace.....I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you".

Now close your eyes”..... GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday"

That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.

A Buddhist monk approaches a hot dog stand and says "make me one with everything" GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss league records were destroyed in a
fire and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

I was stopped by a Greenpeace worker the other day, who asked if I had a few minutes to spare.

Apparently, Saying that I had left my Range Rover on double yellows wasn't the response she was after. boom boom !!

My neighbour bought an oxymoron today,

A Range Rover Sport.



I've had very mixed emotions this morning.

I watched the wife back my new Range Rover Vogue over a cliff.

paulmoran2 wrote:

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you".

That's an at least 40 year old Dick Emery joke.

@ 3:50.

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.


A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.


It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.


You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.


Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....


Still think you're having a bad day ?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.


His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.


While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.


After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.


The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.


As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Still having a bad day ?


Just remember, it could be worse..


The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.


Still think you are having a bad day ?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILL think you're having a bad day ?


Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.


What ?! STILL having a bad day ??


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


There now, feeling better ? GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Burnley, Rochdale Littleborough, and Todmorden

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Halifax, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son ... it's a local call. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee!!!!
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' ... he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. 'Yes, I do honey’... she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry
my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

’I would have been released today' GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.