SDV8 is basicaly the same setup. Your freind is obviously very knowlegdable so my car must be faulty in not behaving this way and trying to kill me ( or more likley other people if it behaved like yours). Left foot braking clearly doesn't work on these cars as it activates a saftey feature so maybe get a remapper to remove it so you can be 'on-it all the time. 'ECU meltdown' is certainly an 'original' opinion. Plenty of engine remappers / DPF gutters / EGR blankers out there and a google search will bring plenty up. Best of luck  2012 TDV8 Vogue (L322)