This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85Mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner !

I looked away for a couple seconds !

And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, and still working on that makeup !

As a man, I don't scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned 'Big Jim and the Twins', ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

BLOODY Women Drivers !!

Too True !! ! !

very good...

The year is 2222 and after accumulating enough frequent flier miles,
Mike and Maureen land on Mars. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about
all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it? asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it looks like a long pencil, it's still pretty narrow..."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was damn good. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies. "All I got was a headache. She kept slapping
my forehead and pulling my ears."

 If you have nothing nice to say,say nothing at all.

After all the Airport Security problems, they have decided to hire more security people to run the New Scanners at the Airport.




When I saw how the scanners work (move mouse over body ) , I went to the airport to sign-up for a job.



I hope to start Monday
Click here to see how the scanner works

your prob have to scan 10000 blokes and old dears before you get one like that...enjoy your new job...  2004 black Vogue TD6

The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?

''I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke. 'The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same. 'Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time.

Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.

''That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'The man sighs, pauses and answers, '

My second wish was for a tall chick with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.

I was driving along the motorway earlier tonight
at about 70 miles an hour
(the speed limit), minding my own business,
when out of nowhere there's
this big crack in my windscreen

I swerved right,
and then left,
but it was still right there!

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Click image to enlarge

How do you find these things MICK ?

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife
that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch
and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending, tosses and turns,

until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.

Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says,

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Listen Morris, I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'