Bloke turns up at Glasgow Western Infirmary Casualty department with his wife.

The lady wife has a broken jaw, two black eyes and a broken nose.

The attending Doctor asks "What's happened here?"

Wee Shuggy says "She's goin' through the change Doctor."

Doctor says "These aren't the symptoms of a Woman going through the change."

Shuggy replies "They are if it's in ma back fg pocket"

Dave the Scouser is touring the USA. Along the way, he stops off at a remote bar in the Nevada desert and chats to the bartender when he spots a Red Indian in full tribal dress seated in the corner of the bar.

"Blimey!" remarks Dave. "Who's he?"

"Gee, that's the memory man," replies the bartender. "He knows everything there is to know. Got a memory like an elephant, he can remember any fact. Heck, go and try him out!"

Dave heads over to the Red Indian, thinking that he can outsmart him with a question about English football.

He asks the memory man, "Who won the 1965 FA cup final?"

"Liverpool," came the instantaneous reply.

Dave was stunned. He tried again asking, "Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," replied the memory man.

Dave tried once more asking, "What was the final score?"

The wise Red Indian didn't hesitate in answering, "2-1."

Dave thinks he'll get smart, asking the memory man for the name of the winning goal scorer. Without so much as blinking, the Red Indian says, "Ian St John."

Dave is stunned and returns home to Liverpool, where he tells everyone about the Red Indian. Dave's curiosity lingers, and he vows to return to American and pay his respects to the Indian. Ten years later, Dave finally saved up enough money to return and, after weeks of searching the Nevada desert, once more he finds the Red Indian, now in a cave.

Humbled by the Red Indian, Dave steps forward, bows, and greets the brave in his traditional tongue.

"How," Dave says.

The memory man squints at him and replies, "A diving header in the six-yard box."

Bloke goes to his Doctors and says "I got this peanut stuck in my ear at a party last night Doc. Every time I try to ease it out I just push it further in. Can you get it out for me?"

Doctor beckons the bloke over to the examination couch and takes a look into his ear.

After a minute or so the Doc tells the bloke "It's too far down the ear canal to get out with tweezers .. tell you what, go home, pour in some melted chocolate - it'll come out a foockin' Treat".

Great News!


In this economic down turn we are all looking for bargains, so I wanted to pass this along

I found a local prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her but I thought it might be a cheap night out for some on here.

A refuse collector is going along a street picking up the wheelie bins
and emptying them into his dustcart.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, so he has a
quick look for it, goes round the back of the house, but still can't
see it.

So, against the rules of the refuse collector's code but in the spirit
of kindness, he knocks on the door. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again much harder.
Eventually a Japanese bloke comes to the door.

'Harro!' says the Japanese chappie.

'Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?' asks the collector.

'I bin on toiret' explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man
smiles and tries again.

'No mate, where's your dust bin?'

'I dust been to toiret, I toll you!' says the Japanese man, still
perplexed.

'Listen,' says the collector.

'You're misunderstanding me. Where's your w h e e l i e bin?'


'Ok. Ok ' replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin .....


'I wheelie bin havin sex wirra wife's sister!'

 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

Teacher asks the class to give her a sentence containing the word "contagious".

After a moment,Mary puts up her hand:

"I can't play with my friend Susan as she has measles and they're contagious".

"Very good" replies the teacher.

Wee Wullie puts his up,the teacher,seeing no one else with a hand up,reluctantly asks Wullie for his sentence.

"Miss, me an ma Da wur oot the back gairden and the man next door wiz cutting doon a tree wi a wee hacksaw. Ma Da says tae me.... that'll take the contagious!"

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Jeez, some of these jokes are old.

You guys been to the joke museum?

Our cat died today, I assume it was old age.It shat all over the place, coughed up a huge fur ball & was suddenly hit by a falling hammer. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Why are married women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge!

Why are married men heavier than single men?

Single men get home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married men come home, see whats in bed and go to the fridge for a beer!

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:

Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Pray with her. Pray for her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO TREAT A MAN:

Show up naked. Bring food and beer. Don't block the f**king TV! Range Rover Autobiography 5.0SC
Range Rover Vogue 4.4 V8 SOLD
Aston Martin V8 Vantage

Felt this morning..................
Thats the last time i buy tesco value toilet paper.

Final question to win a pub quiz in Glasgow last night.
"And the final question to win the £20 is: Take That's first album consisted of four words. The first two were "Take That", so what were the second two?"
There was a 2 minute pause, then a wee Glesga man pipes up with....












"Ya c**t"...