I phoned my local Indian for a delivery last night.

Ten minutes later I called them back and said, "I know it's a pain in the arse, but could I possibly change what I've just ordered?"

He said, "Yeah sure, what would you like?"

"Dominos."
Paul  Paul

2014 Range Rover vogue se 4.4sdv8 Loire Blue
1992 Range Rover Vogue LSE 4.2 Ardennes green

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's three. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one of them."

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!.

I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…………………Then I remembered Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Hi mate I don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from A&E. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Fortunately for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The other day I needed to go to the local hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of the jacket.

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that three quarters of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't sick after all. That cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the badge I made. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

He was in ecstasy, with a smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards..... forwards then backwards..... back and forth.. back and forth.. In and out.. in and out.. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush & she started to grunt and groan Then she let out one almighty scream!!! "I can't park this f**king car! you do it you smug ba***rd'!

As westlife announce the split, louis walsh claims his heart is all over the plac. but his penis is still going in one direction.

Over three thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "Pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."

Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."

Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now Cameron has raised my fuel bills, increased VAT to 20%, upped NI and frozen my pay.

I got so depressed that I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a call centre in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal... they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Once upon a time, a prince asked a beautiful princess 'will you marry me'?

The princess said 'no' and the prince lived happily ever after and drive fast cars and banged skinny big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced motorbikes and went to naked bars and dated girls half his age and drank whiskey and beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The end

Whats the difference between Fatima Whitbreads sn***h and a cricket ball ?

It just takes an hour to eat a cricket ball



 Present :2008 TDV8 HSE
Gone Audi A5 2.7TDI
Gone Discovery 3 HSE
Gone Mercedes CLK
Gone Range Rover 2.5 DSE

The girl friend said " shall we go dutch " last night when we went out for a meal,

So I strangled her and nicked her pizza . 2008 MY Supercharged
Rimini Red / Jet
four zone climate
remote park heater
and no ugly kid windows.
magnus satis quod turpis satis

i remember when we were courting i used to pull my wifes knickers to one side to get at her arse..........................
now i have to pull her arse to one side to get at her knickers.

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

"Let's have sex with a cat!!" said the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophiliac.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said, "MEOW"...