On the day of the Royal Wedding, Camilla was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic! Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her Wedding so she lent them to Camilla for the day.
Unfortunately they were a shade too small and by the time the festivities were over, her feet were agony.
After all had eaten their fill of pineapple & cheese on a stick, and taken home their choice of royal trash, she and Charles withdrew to their room. The only thing she could think of was getting the offending shoes off.
In great anticipation, the rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected: grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Charles say ‘God that was tight.'
'There,' whispered The Queen. 'I told you with a face like that she had to be a virgin!'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Charles continue: 'Right. Now for the other one.' - followed by more grunting and straining.
At last Charles cried triumphantly: 'My God. That was even tighter!"
'That's my boy,' said the Duke outside, 'Once a sailor, always a sailor!"

Ah, Camilla Poke-Her-Bowels.

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

When I die I want my last words to be...I left a million under the...

......under the....?


Would you fill in the missing word please

Scottish man walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thats full O coos Sharn ' (Don't drink the water ya fool, it's full of cow s ** t.)

The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

Guy bumps into his mate in Hope Street and he's sporting a keeker (black eye).
His mate asks him if he was fighting, he replies, "No, the barmaid in that pub whacked me"
His pal asked why ,he said "I came off the train from Euston and went in for a pint. My luggage was in the way of fellow drinkers so i asked the barman if he could put my bag behind the bar.No problem says the barman.

A couple of hours later and a change of bar staff it was time for the road. The barmaid came over and I asked for my holdall.......

Abdul the indian wifebeater punches his wife every night at 7:30....on the dot !! ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Two male best friends are chatting in the hotel on the evening of their honeymoon after their double wedding.
First one: "We'll have a competition to see who can ride their wife the most times tonight. We can see who's won at breakfast."
Second one: "How are we going to talk about it in front of the wives without them knowing?"
First one: "We'll think of something."

The following morning the two couples sit at the breakfast table.
First one: "Waitress, can I have FOUR slices of toast please?"
Second one: "I'll have FIVE slices................and make two of them BROWN!!"

A Russian couples sex life was terrible, so they went out and
bought a black market copy of a sex manual.

"Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"

She agreed. An hour later, she returned, all excited. "You should
see the flavours they have," she told her husband."Strawberry,
cherry, banana........"

"What did you get?" he interrupted.

"Tuna," she replied.

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.

He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No sh!t!!" says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Meet The Family.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep &. Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

47p2 wrote:

"Honey,I want to eat your pussy like it says in the book, but it
smells so bad. Why don't you go out and buy some of that feminine
deodorant spray?"

"What did you get?"

"Tuna," she replied.

KurtVerbose wrote:

An anchovies vagina.

Plenty of them in Glasgow

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
Paul  Paul

2014 Range Rover vogue se 4.4sdv8 Loire Blue
1992 Range Rover Vogue LSE 4.2 Ardennes green