My wife, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood.
We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on her forehead "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the
keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new
boyfriend.
They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has
gone before!"
The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be her
up the ass!" "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

just the one more......


What is the first symptom of AIDS?
A pounding sensation in your asshole! "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
www.futuresecurityservices.co.uk
Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

Greece.



You will get your weather back when you have paid the bills. You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
Please supply your full name address when sending a paypal payment.
https://www.facebook.com/duckworthparts
www.duckworthparts.co.uk
My Direct Line: 01673 849873
Email: robin.hall@duckworth.co.uk
Supplier of Genuine Land Rover & Jaguar Parts For All Models

My mates wife disappeared a month ago. The police said prepare for the worst, so he went back to the charity shop and bought back all her clothes.

FISHING TRIP





Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect backwoods camping and fishing trip.

Two days before the group is to leave Frank's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Frank's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and fish cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie.

She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said "do whatever you want."

So here I am.

white horse goes into a bar and orders a beer,
barman pours it and making conversation says - "we've got a whisky named after you"
Horse replys " what Eric?"

i know, i know, hat coat and leaving.........

I wont a contest for miming yesterday. What can I say !!

I'd love to have a sex change, preferably from none to absolutely effing loads !

I was so shocked REM have broken up I fainted into my curry. That's me in the korma.

Isn't it funny how hot women always drive around in cute little cars?! Which reminds me, the MOT is due on the wifes transit.

My wife had a near death experience today when trying to multi-task. Silly cow thought she could hoover whilst the rugby was on.

I treated the Mrs to one of those fish pedicures the other day and I must say I was very pleased with the result. Those piranhas don't mess about!

Scientists have found that dogs and humans share the same DNA. That explains why the wife is a bitch, the kids hate bathtime and, if I could, I would lick my own balls.

Jack and Jill went up the hill,

So Jack could lick Jills fanny,

Jack got a shock and a mothful of cock,

becasue Jill was a pre-op tranny.

Man walks into a shop and asks the counter assistant; "Do you offer a good shag?"

The counter assistant replied; "Sorry sir we only sell sledges"

Answers on a post card.... .
Experience is the only genuine knowledge, but as time passes, I have forgotten more than I can remember
Volvo V70 P2 2006 2.4 Petrol 170bhp Estate SE
MG Midget Mk1 1962

Previous: L322 Range Rover TDV8 3.6 2008; L322 Range Rover TD6 3.0 2002; P38A Range Rover V8 1999

a man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back so she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you , ill pay you back monthly!" And the moral of the story is even if a woman pays you back what she owes you there will always be strings attached

These I will re-use.

mzplcg wrote:

I was so shocked REM have broken up I fainted into my curry. That's me in the korma.

bigl322 wrote:

a man donates blood to his wife after she is badly hurt in a car crash. A few years later they go through a bitter divorce and he demands his blood back so she throws a tampon in his face and says "there you go you , ill pay you back monthly!" And the moral of the story is even if a woman pays you back what she owes you there will always be strings attached

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

Scientists discovered a human jawbone that is over 2 million years old. They believe it belonged to a woman as it was still moving.

I went into B&Q earlier to buy a lightbulb.The lady behind the counter asked 'will you be putting that up yourself?''No' I replied, 'It's going in the living room!'.