Post your jokes...

The pharmacist walked into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asked the blonde clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”

The blonde clerk responded: “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”

The pharmacist yelled: “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a laxative!”

The blonde clerk responded, “Of course you can! Look at him, he’s afraid to cough.” You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
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Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques roadshow in Dublin.

Where did u get this from asked the expert?

It's been in my loft for 40 years . I think it's a family heirloom.
Do you have insurance? asks the expert.
No. Should I? says Paddy.
Yeah says the expert. It's your Fecking water tank!

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

Text of a letter from a kid from Romagna to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Romagna is a smalltown, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland )




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but it’s not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buugered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of pi55!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yagotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
Me face looks like a fistful of busted arseholes but the city Jokers here reckon I'm a bit of a good looker.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.


Your loving daughter,

Susan

 "RANGEISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED"
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Pretlove says , '' I want my car back "

I was walking down the high street a couple of days ago, when someone jumped out from a shop doorway and started throwing cheese at me.

I turned on the fellow and said "now that's not very mature" .
Experience is the only genuine knowledge, but as time passes, I have forgotten more than I can remember
Volvo V70 P2 2006 2.4 Petrol 170bhp Estate SE
MG Midget Mk1 1962

Previous: L322 Range Rover TDV8 3.6 2008; L322 Range Rover TD6 3.0 2002; P38A Range Rover V8 1999

if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange. You can paypal direct using - www.paypal.me/duckworthparts
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duckworthparts wrote:

if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange.

Nearly....  Graham

____
Gone: 10MY L320 RR Sport HSE, Ipanema Sand
Gone: 20MY Jaguar iPace HSE, Silicon Silver
Gone: 17MY RR Evoque SE Tech, Loire Blue
Gone: 08MY Discovery 3 XS, Stornoway Grey
Gone: 07MY FFRR TDV8 Vogue, Stornoway Grey

scientists have discovered the real meaning of the word twitter-



its the bit of skin between the tw t and shi er.

A man walks into a bar with a crocodile on a leash.All the customers start running for the exits and hiding under tables.
Sorry, said the barman, you can't bring that in here, you are scaring all my customers

No way!! Said the man, my croc is very docile, she wouldn't hurt a fly. Prove it,said the bar man.

The man opened the crocs mouth wide open and then proceeded to undo his flies and place his manhood in the crocs mouth. He picked up a glass bottle and smashed the croc over the head, the croc slammed it's jaws shut, stopping just short of the mans old fella.

See, said the man, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

He turned round and shouted, does anybody else wanna go?

Yes please, shouted the old lady sitting in the corner, but please don't hit me with bottle.

Last edited by PaulB on 25th Sep 2011 7:56am. Edited 1 time in total

The Pastor gets a new set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit to asked him what happened.
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

duckworthparts wrote:

if you say "gullible" really slow it actually sounds like orange.

See if you can work this out:




There was a brothel at the top of a hill, with a large red light at the bottom of the hill.


There were four men ...

one was walking briskly up the hill;
one was inside the brothel;
one was walking slowly down the hill and
the fourth man was sitting in his car at the bottom of the hill.

What were the nationalities of the four men




* The man going up the hill: was rushin
* The man in the brothel: him-a-layin
* The man walking down the hill: was finish


Now wait for it ...............................................!!!!!!


Ya gonna hate this .............................................




* The man in the car at the bottom was Irish, and he was waiting for the light to turn green!

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. 2006 Mercedes CLS
1991 Retro-style Mini
But really finding it hard to fight the urge for a S/C...

The missus told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that help you get an erection...

...you should have seen its face when I came back and tossed her some slimming pills