NEVER EVER SWALLOW YOUR CHEWING GUM

Golfers Lament ...
A Cow's Tail
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around His throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!'"
"I don't remember much after that!" There is a difference between knowing your sh!t and knowing you're sh!t

2005 Registered 2006 MY 4.4 AJV8 Range Rover Vogue

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you dont have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?

Grandma replied, Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh ... Im happy with my TV as my boyfriend.

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas minister. The minister said, Hello son, is your Grandma home?

The little boy replied, Yeah, shes in the bedroom bangin her boyfriend.

The minister fainted.

Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. "Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce."

"Oh really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies, "Because you got an F in sex."

The pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded, so would his salary.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubber boots."

The entire congregation said, "Amen." John
2008 Stornoway Grey 3.6 Tdv8 Vogue
2005 TD6 Java Black Vogue - Written off!!
GAP iiD BT
2003 Discovery TD5 Auto, Nanocom Evolution - gone to a new home!
MasseyFerguson 152 - No electronics!! - Sold

A crusty old Marine Corps Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.


There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.


"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"


"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."


The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."


"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."


The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."


The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner, displaying that wide desert squint.


Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"


"1955, ma'am."


"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.


Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."


The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not. It's only 2130 now." Got - 2017 SDV8 Autobiography in Loire Blue
Had- 2008 TDV8 Vogue SE in Java black
Had - 2007 S/C in Stornoway Grey

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Tom's wife stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum
was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they
imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover
completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively
asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom ."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

God : How many more animals left to make ?

Angel : 2

God : And how many more legs do we have ?

Angel : 100

Centipede : dibs !

Snake : asshole The best 4.4 x far

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem.

In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting.

As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor.

The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well.

When I fired the pistol,

my wife s**t on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It doesn't matter that you don't want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped, "They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!" 2006MY 4.2 SC
BMW R1250 GSA Rallye TE
Triumph Tiger 1050 (sold)
1979 Pontiac Trans Am (sold)

 Tony
You're always in the ........it's just the depth that varies
2014 L494 5.0 S/C AB Silver
2014 L494 3.0 HSE in Chilli
2014 SL63 AMG White


Gone:
2011 5.0 L322 White (Stolen)
07 4.2 SC in silver.
06 4.2 SC in black RSE
RRS 4.2 SC in Black RSE
52 4.4 Vogue in silver
04 Mercedes CLK 320 Conv
03 4.0 V8 ES Disco in Silver
00 TD5 90 County
98 4.6 HSE in Epsom x3
97 3.9ES Disco
93 L 4.2 LSE in black
too many classics to mention !

Well, one must maintain one's standards......  2021 D350 Fifty Edition - Carpathian Grey
2017 4.4 SDV8 Autobiography (2021-2024) - Santorini Black
2012 4.4 TDV8 Westminster (2016-2021) - Santorini Black