I'm looking to start up my own business, recycling discarded chewing gum. Just need help getting it off the ground.

Someone secretly puts fertiliser on my vegetable patch at night... The plot thickens.

As the chauffeur held the car door open for Prince Charles, he said, "Still raining, sir."

"Yes," said Charles, "but she can't go on for ever."

My other half asked if I had ever taken a p*ss in the shower.

I said, yea a couple of times accidentally.

She said that's disgusting, and "what do you mean accidentally?"

Well, these things happen when your having a sh*t.

Two pieces of tarmac sitting in a pub. The door opens and a nasty looking piece of tarmac walks in - all of a sudden all the other pieces of tarmac run wild trying to get out of the pub.

Bemused, one piece of tarmac says to the other - "whats the problem with him?" The other piece of tarmac says "you want to watch out - he's a cycle path!!" 405 AB exec seats Baltic and Cirrus
93 RR Classic efi

Remember it's easier to get forgiveness than permission!

Gone in order:
4.4 TDV8 SE - gone to a good home
93 Classic hard dash Plymouth Blue
03 L322 Oslo Blue
2000 Disco TD5 ES Epsom Green
98 P38 Rioja Red
89 Classic Cairngorm Brown

I used to go out with a Welsh girl who had 36DD's...

It was a ridiculously long name.

A Spanish magician says he will disappear on the count of 3.... uno... dos... then *poof* he disappeared without a tres...

 GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

On average, a British man under 75 will have sex two to three times a week,
whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only one or two times a year.

This is very upsetting news to most of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

As only the Irish Can Tell A Story!

Barry had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Barry's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Slick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Barry, stepped out of the boat... and nearly drowned!

Slick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Barry went to see his Grandmother, "Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"


Granny looked deeply into Barry's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

Last edited by PaulTyrer on 19th Feb 2015 12:35pm. Edited 1 time in total

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.