I decided to go to the Mosque for a first time.


I sat down and the Iman came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said “by the will of Allah the ol' Mighty and the Prophet Mohamed you will walk today”.

I told him I was not paralyzed.

He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated the same thing. Again I told him there is nothing wrong with me..

After the prayers I stepped outside and lo and behold my bike had been stolen. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, “do you have that book for men with small penises?”
The librarian looks on her computer and says, “I don’t know if it’s in yet.”
“Yeah that’s the one”


A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says “I hope the porn is disabled.” The guy at the desk replies. “It’s just regular porn you sick .”


A 5 year old and a 3 year old are upstairs in their bedroom

‘You know what?’ says the 5 year old, ‘I think it’s about time we started swearing.’


The 3 year old nods his head in approval, so the 5 year old says,

‘When we go downstairs for breakfast I’m gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?’

‘Ok’ the 3 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 5 year old what he wants for breakfast.

‘S.hit mum, I don’t know, I suppose I’ll have some Fruit Loops ‘

WHACK…she spanks him

He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 3 year old and asked with a stern voice, ‘And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?’

‘I don’t know mum, but it won’t be f.uckin.g Fruit Loops’

Watson! I've overdosed on Immodium!

No sh!t, Sherlock.

So this guy is sitting on his own in a bar, really really depressed when in comes this big, thuggish bloke, sits down next to him, snatches his drink off him and downs it in one.

The first guy immediately breaks down in tears, sobbing his heart out, which has an effect on the second guy who says, 'Hey mate, I'm really sorry for taking your drink, I didnt mean to upset you so much'

First guy, 'Its OK, I've had a really bad day.

'First thing this morning my wife upped and left, then I get onto the drive and my cars been stolen , so I have to get a taxi into work, then I leave my wallet and credit cards in the taxi, then I get to work and find an email to say that my parents have died, THEN my boss comes in and fires me, THEN I come to the bar and with my last coins decide to end it all with a whisky and cyanide chaser, and YOU come in and drink it on me'!!!!

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. Last week I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says: "I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber. This week I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says: "I think my wife is having an affair with a horse." Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. "No I'm serious. Yesterday I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

Rolf Harris, Stu Hall and Jimmy Saville walk into O'Neills. Barman says "Oh no! Not Yew Tree again"

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
£250.00. She demanded to know why the charge was so high. "I agree it's a nice hotel,
but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even
have breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it. She insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced: “Madam,
this hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are
available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have,"
Explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen
one of the in-hotel shows for which they were so famous. "We have the best
entertainers from the world over performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use
it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response. After several
minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she decided to pay,
wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this
check is for £50.00.".
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"That's correct! I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me. " she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager."
"Well, that's too bad, I was here, and you could have." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Good joke, but Dick Emery did a similar one more than 40 years ago.

....and he probably borrowed it!

Borrowed?...Off you maybe....I'm far too young David  GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

....I have been guilty of both borrowing and recycling some very old jokes on occasion.

Haven't heard that and did like it.

Ooh! You are awful... Si. <This is my name.

I eat rat poison.

A man ain't truly been insulted until he stands buck naked in front of a woman and she didn't even notice. Or care.

I challenged my wife to say something that would make me feel happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "You have a bigger cock than your brother"

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
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.Look for the fresh prints  1970 S2A 88", http://www.mac4x4.co.uk/2007lro.html
2013 Defender 110 XS station wagon
1986 RRC Vogue, now gone

I never clean my mirror - it reflects badly on me.