WISDOM OF AN OLDER MAN!

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir, do you know where your wife might be?''

''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''

So, the Lone Ranger gets captured by Indians and is due to be hung at noon (or whatever Indians do!)

The Chief grants him one last request.

LR 'I need to speak to my trusty horse, Silver'

The chief brings Silver to him, our hero whispers into Silvers ear and he gallops off.

A day later Silver returns with two stunning Blonde good time girls on his back.

The Chief allows the Lone Ranger to have his way with the women,after all, he will be meeting his maker soon....

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to Silver, he whispers in his ear again and off he goes.....

A day later Silver returns with two stunning Brunette good time girls on his back.

Again, the Chief allows the Lone Ranger to have his fun, and once again the Lone Ranger asks to speak to Silver.

This time he shouts at Silver, 'LISTEN! NUMB NUTS! I SAID BRING POSSE!!'

Lone Ranger 3

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been cornered by 900 Warring Apache, bent on blood.
As Kemosabe and Tonto take shelter behind a rock, the Apache advance, bows at the ready.

Tonto looks to the Lone Ranger and says....'Kemosabe, only a miracle will save us now'

The Lone Ranger reaches into his saddle bag, pulls out a bottle and says to Tonto..'Splash this over your face'

tonto, puzzled, but ever faithful, does as Kemosabe says...a foul smelling concoction fills his nostrils.

The Lone Ranger grabs the bottle, douses his face with the contents of the bottle and then commands Tonto...'Charge!!'

Kemosabe and Tonto rush headlong at the Apache, who let fly with a vicious volley of missiles from their bows.

Miraculously. not one single arrow comes near the daring duo, they run through the Apache horde and make their daring escape, totally unscathed.

Later, Tonto approaches the Lone Ranger...'Kemosabe' he says, 'That is truly a powerful medicine of the white man you possess, to cause not one single arrow to hit us as we charged the Apache, by what do you forked tounge people refer to it as?'

The lone Ranger replied 'It's my aftershave.....








Wait for it....












ARAMIS'

Funnyyyyy those LR jokes

I've torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch scheme.

I've got two flags of Pakistan raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.

The local police, MI5 and other intelligence services are all watching my house from every angle 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

Great idea Have you thought of ISIS stickers on the FF.....

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

All ten senior members of the Board of Directors of the company were called into the chairman's office one by one until only Bob, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned. He entered the office to find the chairman and the ten other directors seated around a table. He was invited to join them, which he did.

As soon as he had sat down the chairman turned to Bob looking him squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, asked, "Have you ever had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"

"Oh, no sir, positively not!" Bob replied.

"Are you absolutely sure?" asked the chairman.

"Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"

"You'd swear to that?"

"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime, anywhere."

"Good, then you fire her !!!" GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Brilliant Paul  If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

By Pam Ayres: FIFTY SHADES OF GREYY



The missus bought a Paperback,

down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".



Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...



In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.



Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!



Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!



She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!



Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.



She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

and stood on her left tit!



Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My God what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one!!



Well readers, I can tell no more;

Of what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Wife texts husband at work on a cold winter's morning;

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back;

"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later;

"Computer really knackered now."

The inventor of predictive text has died....his funfair will be hello on Sundial.

SCHOOL - 1950s
​ Vs.​
2014
Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2014 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2014 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD – result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes exams & becomes a solicitor.

2014 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an aeroplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

b1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football. No damage done.

2014 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

yep, we're getting weird!

I think I remember Mary - she smelled so nice