Englishman, american and Welshman sat on edge of empire state building in new york drinking vodka.

American says to Welshman "do you know that you can jump off here and the wind will loop you round and sit you back here.

" Welshman says "no chance. prove it to me " so the american jumps off and flies around in a loop and gently sits back next to Welshman.

The Welshman looks amazed and suddenly jumps off the edge and falls head first onto the tarmac below and is killed instantly.

The englishman turns to american and says "Bloody hell superman, your a nasty sod when you've had a drink! ". .



No offence meant to the Welsh, it's just a joke.

In the sleepy village of Erbum, near the town of Tillet in Hertfordshire, lives a women called Linda Lykes. She is the landlady of the local pub, The Cockwell inn. For some unknown reason, she gets embarrassed whenever she receives her post:

Linda Lykes
The Cockwell inn
Erbum
Tillet
Herts

Love them both

I met Linda once and its true!

Last edited by Full fat not diet on 7th Sep 2010 12:19pm. Edited 1 time in total

A man walks past a Blacksmith's and see's a sign in the window saying 'Help wanted'. He goes in to have a word with the blacksmith, because he needs a job, and they have a bit of a chat. The blacksmith says to the man "Have you got any experience? You know, have you ever shoed a horse?". The man responds 'No, but I once told a donkey to off'.

I said to my wife, 'right you sexy thing, upstairs now'

She looked at me and said, 'oooh, you kinky sod.'

I said, 'no seriously, the match is starting, f k off.'

Just got back from hospital. They reckon i might have Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
But at the moment it's hard to say!

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Hello Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen! You will taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, you have never flown to Frankfurt before?!?"

Speedbird 206: "Yes, I have, in 1944. But it was dark, and I didn't land."




An old one, but I like it.

There was an Scotsman, a Pakistani, and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Pakistani had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Pakistani was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The Pakistani fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that Pakistani bastard again .

LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The wife told me to buy something to make her look sexy for her birthday...

So i bought myself 12 cans of Stella.

Mick is walking past Paddy's farm one evening when he hears seductive music coming from the barn.

He looks through the window to see Paddy dancing and stripping off.


"Bejaysus Paddy, what are you doing ?" says Mick.



"It's not what you think" says Paddy "me and the wife have been drifting apart lately so I went to see one of those counsellors and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor".

Just as well i have a SC .......