That's correct , Dom used to be a wee Govanite ...... and it's a clean word  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Much thanks. A number of years ago, I did a hiking trip in Yorkshire. Everyone else on the hike was from the Uk. We met an ancient Yorkshireman rebuilding a dry stack rock wall and all stopped for a chat. His accent was VERY thick and, after we left, everyone wanted to know if the Canadian could understand him. "About 80-85%," I said. They then confessed that no one else in the group had got much above 85 either,

However, later that day they had me completely stumped when it was announced that "The penguins had melted!" (It WAS a very hot summer day.) I was completely bewildered until it was explained that, while penguins in Antarctica are birds, in England, they are small chocolates!

Sorry to have to ruin your day, but they seem to have made that up to get them selves out of a difficult situation. The penguins have melted is a Yorkshire phrase meaning, he is a bit soft in the head or to put it another way stupid, a bit like the Cornish would say Ee be Bodmin. letters not necessarily in the right order

Dixy wrote:

the Cornish would say Ee be Bodmin.

And that little expression comes from the fact that there used to be a home/institution for the mentally unwell at Bodmin in Cornwall.

See, another little snippet or worthless information

Very PC

... while not being altogether sure that said course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'Killer Chili'.

Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing.

I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbours as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.

In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.

The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.

Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.

Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my butt is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, ' Oh my Lord', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Food Town. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. They claim they're going to have to repaint the store...

Dixy wrote:

Sorry to have to ruin your day, but they seem to have made that up to get them selves out of a difficult situation. The penguins have melted is a Yorkshire phrase meaning, he is a bit soft in the head or to put it another way stupid, a bit like the Cornish would say Ee be Bodmin.

Click image to enlarge

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner....

Talk about Dyson with death.

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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance....

So I pushed her over.

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I start a new job in Seoul next week.........

I thought it was a good Korea move.

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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

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I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor.....

She only had £1.20 in her purse.

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My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker........

Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed....

At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

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A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back... He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

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Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London ........

Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

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Until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

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I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman..............

What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

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They believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

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Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?".....................

"I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.....

It was a lovely service.

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19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?.........

"Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

love the voicemail one and that indian lady on standby ...

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Y. O. L. O.
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 2006 (56 Reg) 4.4 V8 Vogue In Bonatti Grey (Gorgeous!!)