An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he

noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with

a machine gunner on board.

Sensing danger he shot them down.

Back at base he got really into trouble – apparently they were Allied Carpets.

..... .. . . . . . . . . . ...

I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ...

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying ‘English speaking Doctor’.

I thought;

“What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country.”

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ...

The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.

"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.

"Yes it is" I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...

"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . . . . . . . . . . ...

Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer.

Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was,

Face down on the floor. Dead!

At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were welling in my eyes..............

Then a moment of pure inspiration........

....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have sex?"

"I did once & he looked really angry."

"Why angry?"

Because he was watching through the window.!

. . . . . . . . . . . . ...

Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on the sofa...

Must have drunk her flaming drink by mistake!

. . . .. . . . . . . . ..

Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.

Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other half.

It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus home.

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..

The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are going to study the workings of the female mind.

The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis! Geoff

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Phew what a relief,
I thought you (Mick) were going to point me at some post years ago where i had already shared these - because I think I might have  Geoff

 If it dont work.......burn it!

If the IId tool cant fix it.......burn the FF.

If the FF cant be fixed......buy a Land Cruiser!

If the LC cant be fixed..............................................BUY a horse !!

 2006 (56 Reg) 4.4 V8 Vogue In Bonatti Grey (Gorgeous!!)