Blootered = Seriously intoxicated.
Scud Book = Top shelf publication / Jazz Magazine.

Think you mean Jizz Dom , Although some women up here can play a good tune when their mouths and legs are open ...  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Thank you, mzplcg. Listening to Susan Calman on iPlayer, so this help is timely.

RR2008HSE PM sent .... You will be fluent in Glaswegian after this ....  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Its come out in the Oscar Pistorious trial that he only wanted a new bathroom door, but Reeva was dead against it.......  Tony
You're always in the ........it's just the depth that varies
2014 L494 5.0 S/C AB Silver
2014 L494 3.0 HSE in Chilli
2014 SL63 AMG White


Gone:
2011 5.0 L322 White (Stolen)
07 4.2 SC in silver.
06 4.2 SC in black RSE
RRS 4.2 SC in Black RSE
52 4.4 Vogue in silver
04 Mercedes CLK 320 Conv
03 4.0 V8 ES Disco in Silver
00 TD5 90 County
98 4.6 HSE in Epsom x3
97 3.9ES Disco
93 L 4.2 LSE in black
too many classics to mention !

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,

went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about

thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided

that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with

the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet

when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could

reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,

and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to

direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher

said, 'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

 ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A young guy from the sticks moves to town and goes to an "everything under one roof" big box store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back home."

The boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

The kid's first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our employees average 20 to 30 sales a day. That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here. One sale a day might have been acceptable where you came from, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked, "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up and says "$121,237.65".

The astonished boss stutters, "WHAT!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Grady White. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that red GMC 4x4 Dually crew cab."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should just go fishing..." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

WENT BACK TO SEE MY DOCTOR TODAY

I SAID "I APPLIED THE PILE CREAM THAT YOU GAVE ME THIS MORNING AND I GOT A VERY NASTY REACTION"

"WHERE EXACTLY DID YOU APPLY IT" HE ASKED

I SAID " ON THE BUS" GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said "Can I help

You?"

"Yes" she said, "I'd like to report a case of sexual assault".

"Where did it happen?" the Sergeant asked.

"In the park just down the road" she replied.

"Can you describe what happened?"

"Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
Jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,

Removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way
With me".

"Could you give me a description of him?"

"Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he
Had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on
Each leg".

"Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman", said the
Sergeant.

"Yes", said the lady, "He was an England Cricketer".

"That's very observant", said the Sergeant, "You worked that out from his
Accent?"

"No", she replied. "I worked it out because he wasn't in for very long". GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

DOG FOR SALE

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eaves dropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"


"Because he's a lying , he's never been out of the garden." GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

get on with it you can fill page 52 also

A catholic priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9.00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left.' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave."

The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening."

So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left."

And then the rabbi adds: "And we are still waiting for the change!" GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

JOKER wrote:

RR2008HSE PM sent .... You will be fluent in Glaswegian after this ....

Thank you, Joker. Funny and much appreciated.

I liked that. I think my comprehension was running at about 85%, which was enough for most of the jokes.

I take it Glaswegians are some of the more forthright residents of the UK.

Go and find a few episodes of "Rab C. Nesbitt" on youtube. Here's a link to the first series anyway to get you started. This is what one commonly calls a fine lesson in Glasweigan for those who live outside of Scotland.

I always enjoyed the program based on my experience of having lived in Glasgow for a while and speaking as a funny wee Englishman I have to say it's very realistic.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_que...t+series+1