The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

Physics jokes

THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE !


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk,
a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an
Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an
Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a
Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a
Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a
Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a
Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a
Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan,
an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian,
a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a
Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an
Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian,
a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a
Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino,
a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a
Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an
Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,

...Walk into a fine restaurant.



"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group





"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

 2006 (56 Reg) 4.4 V8 Vogue In Bonatti Grey (Gorgeous!!)

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi" not "wife."

My pet mouse called Elvis died last month.
v
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Caught in a trap!!

OK I know it was actually called "Suspicious minds" but that isn't funny ~ then again ................... Geoff

There's this guy who's in the market for a used motorcycle. Always wanted a nice big hog. So he's shopping around, answering ads in the newspaper,and not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic harley with a "for sale" sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner: "This bike is beautiful!! I'll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape."
"Well," says the seller, "it's pretty simple. Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you're buying the bike I won't need my tube of vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it." and he hands the buyer a tube of vaseline.

So the guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She's ecstatic (being a harley fan). That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend's parents house. See, it's the first time he's going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend's arm.

"Honey," she says," I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go. The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, a huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he reaches over, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make it on the dinner table. Of course no one says a word.

"Her Mum's gotta good bod...", he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend's Mum and ravishes her right there on the dinner table. Again, no one says a word. Then, the boyfriend notices it starting to rain, he better take care of the motorcycle. He pulls the vaseline from his pocket. The father stands up and shouts:

"All right, I'll do the dishes!!" Agueroooooooooo. 93-20
I swear you will never see anything like this ever again....watch it..drink it in.

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall, bought new shoes for her wedding.
During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room,

she flopped on the bed and said,

"Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would

not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder!"



Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But, it's just so bloody tight!"



"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.



Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed,

"There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"


In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip,

"See! I told you with, a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"


Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried,

"Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"



At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen,

"That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

============================================= GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor living it up large;
break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating" Mine was a blue one!

 GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

One for Mick

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said," A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . .perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin.... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin...perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad. The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

 Tom

Current Drive
2011 4.4 TDV8 Autobiography - Santorini Black - Ivory Leather

Previous Drives
2004 Model Vogue Td6 (Touchscreen) - Java Black - Parchment Leather
1994 RR Classic 3.9 V8 Soft dash - Niagara Grey - Grey Leather
1972 Series III SWB Safari - Green (Hand Painted) - Black Plastic

Very good Dom .....

If it were in Glasgow she would have been blootered and thrown about like a scud book ....  ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

^ That's more incomprehensible that Angel's German video.
Must find Scottish/English dictionary!