My missus has just gone into hospital with two black eyes and a broken jaw.

It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"

lol ...

what takes up 16 parking spaces ??

8 FFRR drivers !!!

^  ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

The Dentist
A quite beautiful female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates me though!"

The female dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and she says, "Here's a Viagra."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the female dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out!

stan wrote:

^

Should have been in the serious section Stan

I see that the new Big Brother show has got a swimming pool and Jedward ---- where's Barrymore when you f*****g need him!!!

a psychiatrist is conducting a group session with 4 young mothers & their kids. "you all have obsessions" he observes."you" he says to the 1st mother"youre obsessed with eating, youve even named your daughter candy", he turns to the second mother"your obsession is money,it shows in your childs name, penny".he goes to the third mother"your obsession is alcohol,this to shows in your childs name brandy". The 4th mother quietly gets up & whispers to her boy - "come on dick,this guy has no idea what he's talking about,lets go and pick willy up from school".

A body engineer from Land Rover goes on an exchange visit to Toyota in Japan and watches the engineers developing the latest Land Cruiser bodyshell. He notices that on the workbench they have a cat in a small cage and he asks what it's for. The Japanese engineer tells him when they have finished a Land Cruiser they lock a cat in it and go home. If the cat is dead when they return in the morning they know the shutlines on the doors and sunroof seals are up to their high standards. The LR guy likes this idea and when he gets back to Solihull he takes a cat to work and locks it in a Defender and goes home for the night. When he returns in the morning the cat is gone..........

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some ar$ehole's got my pen!'

I lost the trivia contest at the Church social last night by one point.

The last question was: “Where do most women have curly hair?”

Apparently the correct answer is “Africa.”

Also, I've been asked to find another place to worship.


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

A London lawyer and a cornishman are sitting next to each other on a
long train ride to Leeds.
The lawyer is thinking that cornishmen are all 'oil skins and shipwrecks'
and that he can fool them easily...
So the lawyer asks if the cornishman would like to play a fun game.
The cornishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and says that
the game is a lot of fun.
'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
£5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.'
As may be expected, this catches the cornishman's attention and to keep
the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to
the moon?'
The cornishman doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a
five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the cornishman's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all the references he knows. He uses
the air-phone; he searches the Net and even the British Library. He sends
e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After over an
hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes up the cornishman and hands him £500. The cornishman pockets
the £500 and goes straight back to sleep.
The lawyer is going crazy not knowing the answer. He wakes the
cornishman up and asks, 'Well! What goes up a hill with three legs and
comes
down with four?'
The cornishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back
to sleep.
Don't mess with cornishmen; we only talk different

That'll do for today me finks

A man is watching his young son saying his bedtime prayers. The little lad says 'god bless mummy, god bless daddy, god bless granny' then sniffs and says 'goodbye grandad'

The next day, the man hears that his father has died suddenly. He thinks 'this kid has got a premonition with death, I'll have to keep a close eye on him'

9 months go by without further incident, until one night the little lad is saying his bedtime prayers - 'god bless mummy, god bless daddy' sniff 'goodbye grandma'

an hour later, they hear that the mans mother has died suddenly.

12 months go by, with the man watching the little lad like a hawk every night, until, one night, the little lad is again saying his bedtime prayers - 'god bless mummy' sniff 'goodbye daddy'

Oh St, the man thinks, it's my turn now.

After a sleepless night, he gets ready for work. As he is walking the pavement on the way to work, he is constantly on the lookout for potential accidents, and is jumping over hedges into front gardens every time a vehicle approaches. Once at work, he spends the entire morning constantly looking out for an accident to befall him. In the finish, at lunchtime he is so exhausted that he gets the foreman's permission to take the afternoon off. The journey home was just as fraught as the journey in, eventually he reaches home on the point of exhaustion, and opens the front door. His wife asks 'what are you doing home so early?'

He replies 'I've had a terrible day today love'

Her response -
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'Youv'e had a terrible day? - I opened the door this morning and the milkman was dead on the doorstep!!'  2006 (56 Reg) 4.4 V8 Vogue In Bonatti Grey (Gorgeous!!)

So funny business must be quiet nowadays Craig. I don't mind, had a good laugh....

Last edited by Robert on 19th Mar 2014 9:29pm. Edited 1 time in total