My new girlfriend works in an abattoir. She's a stunner.

 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

Who on earth is buying all those car boots?

A centurian goes into a pub, holds two fingers up and says 'five pints please'.

v-ry good Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

What's long, hard and has cum in it? A cucumber.

TOO FUNNY NOT TO PASS ON!!
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had th...e torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...and smiled approvingly.

"Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?"... she then asked her husband?

"Uh...no, I haven't" ...he said (with an anxious tone in his voice).

She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

"Now" ...she said. "Have you ever seen $50,000 Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No way" ...he said (while obviously becoming even more aroused... and excited).

"Well go look in the garage!"...she said

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.



Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.


I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”


I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.


Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay?!"


A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."


A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex. Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

'You only want sex when you're drunk!'

'Not true. Sometimes I also want a kabab.'

Where do you weigh a pie?

Somewhere over the rainbow...

My local pub is hosting a charity event for people who struggle to reach orgasm... All welcome, but if you can't come let them know... Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Two nuns in a taxi going down Edinburgh's Royal Mile.
First nun. I've not come this way before.
Second nun. It's the cobble stones.

 

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself
naked in a mirror...remembering her time with Bill Clinton.
 
Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.
In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help...
 
"God, if you take away my love handles,
I'll devote my life to you," she prayed

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Touching story, isn't it!?               

  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI