Guess who's just pulled a few xmas crackers.

^^^

KurtVerbose wrote:

...do loads of drugs and whores.

Was it you

Max & Arlene lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota.
It vas early vinter and da lake had froze over.

Max asked Arlene if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral store to get him some beer. She asked him for some money but he told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Arlene valked across, got the beer at da yeneral store, den walked back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Max his beer, she asked him, Max, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da store. Why didnt you yust give me some money?

Max replied, Vell, I didnt vant to send you out dere vit some money ven I vasnt sure how tick the ice vas yet.

Kinda brings a tear to your eye....

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can
you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
coupla blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get
to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, bullsh1t... You don't even know the way to the Post Office."

Out before the holidays. Be safe always: Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by ass holes who drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks and crap like that.
Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.



Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in

his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to

get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a

jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the

local police station.



The conversation went like this:



"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"



"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's

Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye

be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"



Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the

foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father,

replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took

care of the last rites!"



There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......



Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also

obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

Merry Christmas from Scottish Power

After 30 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening when
the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in
quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down
over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed
past the side of breast again, working down her side, passed gently
over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf.
Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side.

Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.

As the wife had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of
her husband, she asked in a gentle loving voice, “Oh sweetheart that
felt so good, why did you stop?”

He replied, “I found the remote.”

If you need cheering up, watch your wedding video in reverse, the part were she takes off the ring, jumps back in the car and off should make you smile...

A man buys a lie-detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner:

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school. (robot slaps son)

Son: Okay I went to the movies!

Dad: Which one?

Son: Harry Potter (robot slaps again)

Son: Okay, I was watching porn.

... Dad: What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was! (robot slaps dad)

Mum: Hahahahahahaha After all he is your son (robot slaps mum)

 Si. <This is my name.

I eat rat poison.

A man ain't truly been insulted until he stands buck naked in front of a woman and she didn't even notice. Or care.

 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

I'm just back from a concert in Glasgow by that new Scottish Muslim band.

Jihaddiwaddy. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A friend of mine said his ambition was to be run over by a steam train... It actually happened the other day and he was chuffed to bits.. Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Think I would rather be blown to bits by a hooker