47p2..

On January 9 a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74
when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.


The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike,
walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says,

"What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive,"
he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ...
"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all,
she leaned back over the railing and did just that ...
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately
by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group,
the onlookers, and even the State Trooper.
Then George says,

"Wow!
That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey!
That's a real talent your wasting, Sugar Shorts.
You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"

The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed ! ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

How many Chelsea Managers does it take to change a Lightbulb?They don't know. The lightbulb usually outlasts them. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Mick I think you made that one up mate.....

Mick didn't make it up, he pushed the guy/girl

Came across this and thought I would share it

Quote:

Last year for Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick: She asked my sister to pick up something from the store. When my sister left my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey.

She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven. When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!!"

Upon pondering this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep -- Patricia is blonde!

"Two Dead After 100-Car Pile-Up In Texas"Tragic, but not as bad as the recent "100 Dead after 2-car pile-up in India" ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was none after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"



"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ”

Posted: Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:45 pm Post subject:
Nice on DS

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold." The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold." The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up". He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" Slightly concerned the mother said," Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?" The daughter replies: "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?!

I recently become a victim of a clever 'Eastern European' scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Sainsbury’s supermarket for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your male friends.

This is what happened to me.....

Two seriously good-looking, well-endowed East European 20-21 year-old girls came over to my car as I was loading my shopping into the car boot.

Without being asked, they both started cleaning my windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts.

When I thanked them and offered them a tip, they said 'No' and instead asked me if I’d be kind enough to give them a lift to another nearby supermarket, in my case, Tesco’s.

I agreed and they both got in the back seat. On the way, they started undressing, until both were almost completely naked. When I pulled over to remonstrate,

One of them climbed over into the front seat and started crawling all over me, touching me intimately, and thrusting herself against me -

I discovered later that the other one stole my wallet when I was so distracted ! A very cunning plan, that.

For your information, I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On November 1st, 4th, 6th, 10th and 13th and twice yesterday.

Please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 pm in the afternoon.

P.S. Aldi have cheap imitation wallets on sale for £1.99 each but Lidl wallets are £1.75 and look more convincing. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

A fat, ugly, cross eyed ginger bird came dancing up next to me at a party. "So, where are you from, handsome?" she smiled. I said, "Earth, what about you?" ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.Dave says, "John, what are you so happy for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave. She couldn't swim!"The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitting at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face. Dave says, "What are you happy about today John?""Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blonde came up to me... tits out to here, Dave. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave! She couldn't swim!"A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there crying' over a beer.Dave says, "John, what are you so sad for?""Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxing' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave. Tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!' She pulled down her pants and..." He paused and took a big gulp of beer. "She had a dick, Dave! She had this great BIG dick! ... and I can't swim Dave! I can't swim!" ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Beer Chase


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GbHpqfv9is 2006 HSE

Last edited by Blinkinlights on 26th Nov 2012 10:31pm. Edited 1 time in total