Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a New Zealand dairy farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks,
'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

That's simple, by the nail over its stall', Maggie explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, ......

'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.' 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

Two 70 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.

One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you. Shortly after that, Joe sadly passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to
him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died!"

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!"

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday". 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

 ... - .- -.




Y. O. L. O.
.

Noel Edmonds, I want 250k or I tell the police you tossed me of on swopshop.
Deal or no deal. gone fishin'

Noel Edmonds, I want 250k or I tell the police you tossed me of on swopshop.
Deal or no deal. gone fishin'

Santa Claus will not be visiting Stoke Mandeville Hospital this year.
"The thought of another white haired man emptying his sack on the childres ward is a bit too much" said one Nurse..  gone fishin'

WOMEN&MEN A MAN WILL PAY £2 FOR A &1 THING THAT HE NEEDS. A WOMAN WILL PAY £1 FOR A £2 THING THAT SHE DOESN’T WANT. A WOMAN WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE TILL SHE GETS A HUSBAND.A MAN NEVER WORRIES ABOUT THE FUTURE TILL HE GETS A WIFE. A SUCCESSFUL MAN IS ONE WHO CAN EARN MORE THAN HIS WIFE CAN SPEND. A SUCCESSFUL WOMAN IS ONE WHO CAN FIND SUCH A MAN.
TO BE HAPPY WITH A MAN YOU MUST UNDERSTAND HIM A LOT & LOVE HIM A LITTLE.TO BE HAPPY WITH A WOMAN YOU MUST LOVE HER A LOT & NEVER TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER. MARRIED MEN LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN BUT MARRIED MEN ARE A LOT MORE WILLING TO DIE.ANY MARRIED MEN SHOULD FORGET THEIR MISTAKES.THERES NO USE IN TWO PEOPLE REMEMBERING THE SAME THING.
MEN WAKE UP LOOKING AS GOOD AS THEY WENT TO BED.WOMEN SOMEHOW DETERIOATE DURING THE NIGHT. A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN EXPECTING HE WILL CHANGE BUT HE DOESN’T. A MAN MARRIES A WOMAN EXPECTING THAT SHE WON’T CHANGE BUT SHE DOES.A WOMAN HAS THE LAST WORD IN ANY ARGUMENT.ANYTHING A MAN SAYS IS THE BEGINNING OF A NEW ARGUMENT.THERE ARE TWO TIMES WHEN A MAN NEVER UNDERSTANDS A WOMAN BEFORE MARRIAGE & AFTER MARRIAGE. The reason women's minds are cleaner than a mans mind is that women change their minds more often!
When women say fine a mans in deep doodoo as fine has so many meanings.

Good news for insomniacs....... Only 3 sleeps till Christmas !!  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

Cant do anything right these days....the wife wanted me to make her feel young again in the bedroom, she went absolutely mental on me when I came in with a white wig and a big cigar..... gone fishin'

A guy asked a girl in a University library: "Do you mind
if I sit beside you?”

The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO
SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed. After a couple of minutes,
the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I
study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking.
I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”

The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR
ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!”

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock!

The guy whispered in her ears: "I study law, and I know
how to make someone feel guilty." 2006 HSE

A Cavan driver is pulled over by a Garda on the N3 from Dublin on his way home. The Garda approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Garda ?"

The Garda says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The Cavan man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The Garda is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The Garda says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The Garda says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the Garda is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Garda looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five Garda cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior Garda from the serious crimes squad slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior Garda says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem Garda ?"

"One of my men told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The Garda responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The Garda says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The Garda, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my Garda claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the Garda. The Garda opens the wallet and examines the license.
He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my Gardas told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!" Geoff

Double post deleted - it wasn't that funny! Geoff

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a traffic light.



The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, 'What kind of car ya got there, sonny?'

The doctor replies, 'A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!'



'That's a lot of money,' says the old man. 'Why does it cost so much?'


'Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!' states the doctor proudly.



The Moped driver asks, 'Mind if I take a look inside?

'
'No problem,' replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says,
'That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!'

Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph.
 

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.
It seems to be getting closer! 

He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOOSSSHHH!!!


Something whips by him going much faster!




What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari? the doctor asks himself.


He presses harder on the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.



Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the Moped!
 

Amazed that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the Moped at 275 mph and he's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!

Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.


Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!

The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!



Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.


The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive.


He runs up to the banged-up old guy and says, 'I'm a doctor... Is there anything I can do for you?'
 


The old man whispers,


'Unhook my braces from your side view mirror'

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom, It makes the wife look
like she's moving during sex.


Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it
would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were
right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching
balls!


Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its
considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man its £2.50/min (charges may vary).


Just booked a table for Valentines Day for me and the wife. Bound to
end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.


They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm
wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is
going to shift this beer belly. 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport