I had a dream last night. I was getting a b.l.o.w.j.o.b from the blonde one in ABBA.
I woke up because his beard was tickling my b.o.l.l.o.c.k.s

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?
You sound English", "I'm from across the severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Two guys both have 9:00 a.m appointments at a vasectomy clinic. A nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.

She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him.

"Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"

She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages.

The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"

So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task. Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.

Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off,and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."

The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, That's the difference between NHS and BUPA."

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

3 - Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

8 - Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

I went to the pub last night and there was this fat girl dancing on the table.
I walked passed and said" f.u.ck.i.n.g amazing legs".
The girl giggled and said "Do you really think so?"
I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now"!

Having a girlfriend with a tattoo on the back of her neck is like having a bathroom with a magazine in it -
It gives you something to read while your in the s.h.i.t.t.er.

I bought some sexy crotchless knickers with peek-a-boo bra in Ann Summers yestereday.

"A surprise for the girlfriend?" asked the cashier.

"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a bloke who came of his motorbike,
so i frantically rushed over.
"Out of the way" i shouted,as i pushed my way through the crowd.
"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.
"No" i replied,
"He's got my pizza"

Great news for Nick Clegg.

For just £250,000 the lib dems can finally influence the government by having dinner with Dave Cameron. __________________
2015 FFRR SDV8
2011 FFRR TDV8 4.4 - Gone
2005 FFRR TDV6 - Gone

I don't get creationists...

They can't grasp the concept of an ape like creature evolving into a man, yet they have no problem with a rib turning into a woman. __________________
2015 FFRR SDV8
2011 FFRR TDV8 4.4 - Gone
2005 FFRR TDV6 - Gone

I was walking by the White Cliffs of Dover earlier today when I saw a muslim chap wearing a waistcoat full of explosives, all of a sudden he fell off the cliff and into the water were he was struggling to keep afloat, I thought to myself that I a good British Citizen and contacted the Kent Police Force and the Coastguard, that was @ 11am it now 4pm. I am beginning to think I have wasted 2 second class stamps.. ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

The Golf Lesson

Well, what should I do?” asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW! He hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife couldn't wait for her lesson.

The next day, the wife went for her lesson.
The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP—the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.






"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said.




"Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate to get a rodgering.....!
It was only when i had my trousers around my ankles and my c.o.c.k. out,
that i realised she wanted to rent out her spare room.

After having their 11th child, a Liverpudlian couple decided that was enough, as the social couldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand............

This procedure also works in Swindon, parts of Yorkshire and anywhere in Wales.........

It's Good Friday today and our thoughts turn to a bloke with long hair who will always be remembered for dying on the end of a cross...................Andy Carroll


I was at the swimming pool today and decided to have a pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed as the tosser blew his whistle so f***ing loud I nearly fell in. Once a Blue, Always a Blue