ROUGHLY TRANSLATED
LAND ROVER ADVICE
Manual; Rotate clockwise.
Translation; Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer, anticlockwise.
Manual; This is a snug fit.
Translation; Not a hope in hell matey.
Manual; As described in chapter 7.
Translation; That’ll teach you not to read through before you start; Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Manual; Pry
Translation; Hammer a screwdriver into.
Manual; Undo.
Translation; Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size)
Manual; Retain tiny spring.
Translation; “Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out”
Manual; Press & rotate to remove bulb.
Translation; OK- that’s the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part.
Manual; Lightly
Translation; Start off lightly & build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing, then recheck the manual because what you are now doing could never be described as “lightly” in a million years.
Manual; Weekly checks.
Translation; If it isn’t broken don’t fix it.
Manual; Routine maintenance
Translation; If it isn’t broken, its about to be.
Manual; One spanner rating
Translation; Your mum could do this, so how long did it take you to botch it up.
Manual; Two spanner rating.
Translation; Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny “ickle” number, but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Manual; Three spanner rating.
Translation; But Land Rovers are easy to maintain right? So you think three Land Rover spanners has got to be more like an “ordinary car” two spanner job.
Manual; Four spanner rating.
Translation; You are seriously considering doing this, aren’t you, you maniac.
Manual; Five spanner rating.
Translation; OK-but don’t expect us to ride in it afterwards.
Manual; If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this.
Manual; Compress.
Translation; Squeeze with all your might, jump up & down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage while muttering “idiot” repeatedly under your breath.
Manual; Inspect.
Translation; Squint at really hard & pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife “Yep, as I thought, its going to need a new one”.
Manual; Carefully.
Translation; Your are about to cut yourself.
Manual; Retaining nut.
Translation; Yes, that’s it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Manual; Get an assistant.
Translation; Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Manual; Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation; However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Manual; Refitting is the reverse sequence of removal.
Translation; But you swear in different places.
Manual; Prise away plastic locking pegs.
Translation; Snap off.
Manual; Using a suitable drift.
Translation; The biggest nail in your toolbox isn’t a suitable drift.
Manual; Everyday toolkit.
Translation; Ensure that you have an AA card & mobile phone.
Manual; Apply moderate heat.
Translation; Placing your mouth near it & huffing isn’t moderate heat.
Manual; Index.
Translation; List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do.

For added Manual fun; Go to the first section, “Safety First”, & read the bit about Hydroflouric Acid- Do you really want the advice of a book that uses this form of understatement?
Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs-as you look at these two pages say to yourself over & over until it sink in “mine will never look like that”
The translation doesn’t cover what I have often described as the scariest phrase in the English language, “First remove the five retaining bolts”.
Three come off with no problems. One will not move, no matter what equipment you use on it & you cannot find the fifth at all.
Have a safe Land Rover working day, fun isn’t it?

Robert.  The reason women's minds are cleaner than a mans mind is that women change their minds more often!
When women say fine a mans in deep doodoo as fine has so many meanings.

I love it! Just my kind of humor.
But then again what do you want I'm Robert, but a Dutch one in France

Are you two going 'dutch' on this one then  FFRR MY06 facelift With TDV8 Alloys Zeros/ATR's
Mantec Sump Guard, Rigid Load liner, MY10 BT upgrade.

"Going Dutch" is a term that indicates that each person participating in a group activity pays for himself, rather than any one person paying for anyone else, particularly in a restaurant bill. It is also called Dutch date and Dutch Treat.

There are two possible senses—each person paying his own expenses, or the entire bill being split (divided evenly) between all participants. In strict usage, "Going Dutch" refers to the former, paying one's own expenses, with the latter being referred to as "splitting the bill", but in casual usage these may both be referred to as "Going Dutch". Splitting the bill is generally easier to compute, as it does not require checking what each individual ordered, but has the downside that people who ordered more expensive items are subsidized by others, and that those on a strict budget, who ordered with their budget in mind, end up spending more money than they had intended.

This whole idea is a kind of socialism that doesn't fit me and let's be fair all the credits for this item go to the Scotsman
Well done Robert

LOL, aside from the bit about going with a Dutchman which is indeed most amusing, the original content has been posted before
http://www.fullfatrr.com/forum/topic2324.html

Still very funny after all this time. Made me chuckle all over again, rather embarrasingly in the middle of a meeting where I should be paying attention and not surfing on here

amazing, thats brightened up my day!! all smug in my new plug!

2021 Westminster Black D300
2013 Vogue SE - gone
Some Porsche Cayenne guff pretending to be a 4x4!!
2006 Vogue
2004 Vogue
2001 Vogue

 Researching my first Range Rover purchase