I can't beleive it..l've just been thrown off an online forum dedicated to hazelnut chocolate bars, just because I kept talking about Kit-kats!

The moderator said I was going off Topic GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

a friend of mine told me he tried Viagra last night and made love to his wife for 5 hours and 5 minutes
I asked him why he takes those chemicals for just 5 more minutes

I'm in court tomorrow for killing a bloke with some sand paper. I only meant to rough him up a bit.

My mate was dyslexic. He's dead now. He choked on his own Vimto.

@Robert - you're a lacist!

Kult, you'le light

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"











The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

Why did the baker have brown knuckles? He kneaded a poo...

I love 11th century Spanish food...........its so Moorish.

Why are dyslexics only drinking Pepsi?

They're worried about catching the Cola Virus!

After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian and a Gujarati from India.

He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know?"

Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked Vladimir, the Russian.
"Hmm... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."
He then turned to George, the Australian who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on Yep, Turning on a LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Patel, the Guy from India, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Patel replied, (in his Gujju accent!) "Apter herring da 3 prebius ansers sir, et's obius to me dat the fastest thing is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already giggling in their seats...
"Oh, I can expleyn sir," said Patel.
"You see, sir, da ader day my tummy was pheeling bad and so I run so fast to the baatrum,, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I alredi done it !"

Patel is now the new "Office Manager" at Wal-Mart in Washington. ************************************************************************

· Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

· After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

· Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

· Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

· A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .... Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

· ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

· Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine. Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

· An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! Its doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!

· Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

· A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies, Sod the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

· Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

· My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

· Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in. GONE 2010 Facelifted 3.6 TDV8 - Stornoway Grey + 22" Overfinch Olympus
HAVE 1999 Discovery 2 GS 4.0 V8 - Silver - Off Road Toy
GONE 2013 L405 4.4 SDV8 Vogue. Black with Silver roofline and 22" s
HAVE 2015 Jaguar XF.

Today's word is ..................Fluctuations

I was at my bank today; there was a short line.
There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was very irritated ...
She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunrat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunrat eighty?
Why it change?"
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said,
"Fluctuations."
The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"  The forums premier drug dealer and human trafficking consultant


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