A farmer named Sid was overseeing his stock in a remote moorland pasture in North Yorkshire when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"

Sid looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing stock and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sid.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the back of his car.

Then Sid says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Member of Parliament for our Government", says Sid.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the farmer.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

This is a herd of sheep. ...


Now give me back my f***ing dog!" .
Experience is the only genuine knowledge, but as time passes, I have forgotten more than I can remember
Volvo V70 P2 2006 2.4 Petrol 170bhp Estate SE
MG Midget Mk1 1962

Previous: L322 Range Rover TDV8 3.6 2008; L322 Range Rover TD6 3.0 2002; P38A Range Rover V8 1999

One day, there was a girl wearing a skintight miniskirt waiting at a bus stop. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it might give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still couldn't reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back again to undo the zip a bit more. Still, she couldn't step on the bus. So, with her skirt zip halfway down, she reached back and undid her skirt all the way. Thinking that she would be able to get on the bus now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step. Seeing how embarrassed she was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the bus.

The girl turned around angrily and said, "How dare you touch me, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I thought that we were friends." FFRR MY06 facelift With TDV8 Alloys Zeros/ATR's
Mantec Sump Guard, Rigid Load liner, MY10 BT upgrade.

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon.
He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."  Previously..
Vogue SE TD6
Defender 90 2.4
Defender 110 TD5
Vogue 3.5 EFI

A maths teacher has taken a pupil to France. I imagine it's a field trip to see how many times 30 goes into 15



Whats the difference between Stevie Wonder and Jeremy Forest.......................................................................
Jeremy Forest has only one f.u.c.k.e.d pupil



I'm at Dignitas the Swiss suicide clinic. Do you know what the b.a.s.t.a.r.d.s gave me for breakfast?......................
f.u.c.k.i.n.g CHEERIOS gone fishin'

Al Qaeda to go on strike
Muslim suicide bombers in England are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled
to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive
after his death will be cut by 25% this October from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years
of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (or BOOM) responded with a statement
that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir
told the press “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in
return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”
Speaking from his shed in Tipton, in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive
explained,
“We sympathize with our workers’ concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are
simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is
now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off.
I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow themselves up”
Spokespersons for the union in Barnsley, Newcastle, Middlesborough, Essex, Glasgow, Normanton West Yorkshire and Australia stated that they would be
unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish
singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen to go to paradise.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could
Arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
Circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.

Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.

She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read English pretty good, and it say:

My wife was screaming at me: "Leave!! Get out of this house!" she ordered.

As I was walking out the door she yelled, "I hope you die a slow and painful death!"


So I turned around and replied "So now you want me to stay?" ====================================

"Open Mike Night " sounded like a lot of fun until i found out i was going to an Autopsy

Jimmy Saville did amazing work in Stoke Manderville hospital. Kids went in with spinal injuries and went home as stroke victims! gone fishin'

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually. They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read: Now, then. Now, then. Now, then.

What's six inches long, brown and smelly and you wouldnt want to find in your daughters bedroom?

Jimmy Savile's cigar.

Hows about that then?

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old timer,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPod.'

Well, I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it... 2011 Range Rover Vogue SE 4.4 TDV8

Previous cars :
2003 Range Rover Vogue TD6
1999 Discovery Td5 ES
1995 BMW M5 3.8 6 speed
1992 Range Rover 3.9 Efi Vogue
1992 BMW M5 3.8
1988 BMW 735i SE
1989 Ford Sierra XR4x4 2.9i
1981 Ford Fiesta Supersport

McDonalds have launched the 'Saville Burger' it's 84yr old meat between 13yr old baps!

Jimmy Savile's familly have had his gravestone removed along with the flowers as a mark of respect to the peoplr who he molested. It just leaves a small hole and no bush.
Just what Jimmy would have wanted!  gone fishin'

BBC 2. 9pm tonight, "The toughest place to be a miner."
Not sure weather to expect a documentary on South Africa or Jimmy Savilles bedroom. gone fishin'