A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.

The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'

The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'

She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.

Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted. Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.

'Did you call for me? ' asked the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.

'You must be new.' answered the hairy man, 'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.

The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.

'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'

'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here.'

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen,that guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain..do whatever he tells you.Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.. Be strong honey. I love you, too.'

@ both.....

delamo - LMFAO

Ryan lives with his granny and has been a lonely child. Never having been aloud to socialise, Ryan doesn't know much about the opposite sex. On his 18th birthday his granny let's him go to the pub for the first time. Before he leaves his granny tells him that " you will probably meet girls tonight, but whatever you do don't put your hand up their skirts!" Ryan looked puzzled. "why granny?" " because there's teeth up there and you'll get your hand bitten off!"
So Ryan goes off to the pub and after a few drinks he gets chatting to some girls! He gets very friendly with a flirty girl named Susan. Susan invites him round the back of the pub. After some heavy petting Susan tries to force ryans hand up her skirt. Ryan screams and pulls away. "what's wrong?" Susan asks. Ryan explains that he's never been with a girl and his granny has told him that there are teeth down there and he doesn't want to loose his hand! Susan laughs and tells him not to worry and she doesn't have any teeth down there. She asks Ryan if he would like a look? Ryan was dying for a look. He gets down on his knees and hooks up her skirt. With extreme interest he examines her. After a good minute Susan asks " well!!! Have you found any teeth?" Ryan replies worriedly " no! But no wonder! Have you seen the state of your gums?"



Two Blokes are out playing golf when Paddy says "i'm bursting for a but haven't got anything to wipe my arse on" Murphy says "have you got a fiver?" "Yes" says Paddy "well use that" so Paddy goes off for 5 minutes and comes back with all over his hands and clothes Murphy says "WHAT THE HAPPENED TO YOU?" Paddy looks at him and goes "have you every tried to wipe your arse with 3 pound coins, five 20p's and two 50 pence pieces?"

I like em all...